


Until We Meet Again

by Dae



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Break Up, Chance Meetings, Dry Humping, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Jealousy, M/M, Minor Angst, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex, POV Sonny Carisi, Porn With Plot, Slice of Life, Smut, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:29:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29787840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dae/pseuds/Dae
Summary: Sonny and Rafael fell in love once. Who's to say they can't do it again?
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 29
Kudos: 38





	1. Spring 2002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Rafael age throughout this story. So don't freak out when you read their current age and think there's any stock to the story tags at the moment lol.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for clicking on this story! I hope you like it.

When Sonny Carisi woke up in the hospital, he felt both numb and achy. He felt most of the pain in his abdomen, despite most of the bandages wrapped around his face. He remembered a bit of what happened. Bobby Bianchi walking up to him and picking another fight. His fist plunging deep into Sonny’s gut. How Sonny felt the immediate pull of bile while Bobby spat slurs at him. And then the glass window right before his face was shoved straight through it.

Then he blacked out.

Who knows how long it’s been from then until now, lying in a hospital bed.

He turned his head and his bright blue eyes widened at the boy sitting by his bed. The boy had his head buried in a thick book, far too big for his little hands, and he was reading vigorously like he hadn’t noticed the pair of eyes on him.

Sonny cleared his throat and the boy’s hand twitched in acknowledgement as he moved to turn a page.

His throat was scratchy when he asked, “What are you reading?”

The boy looked up then over at him. He had this calculating look in his eyes that made him seem way older than he was. But Sonny felt like he knew him from somewhere; like he’s seen the kid around. He had to be around Sonny’s age, though with his build he looked a year or two younger.

“Constitutional Law,” the boy answered shortly. He didn’t look away from Sonny. He just stared and Sonny didn’t even have the energy to find it as strange as he probably should have. He’d been out cold for who knows how long. To wake up in a hospital with a near-stranger next to him, it should light up warning signals in his brain. His ma surely wouldn’t approve of him openly talking to people he didn’t know, even if the kid was within his age bracket.

A second later the door swung open and his little sister Bella burst into the room. His parents hurried inside after her while Theresa and Gina were trailing in behind.

“Sonny!” Bella shouted in surprise, her smile was wide and her eyes were red-rimmed and wet like she’d been crying. She ran forward like she’d wanted to jump onto his bed, but his mother grabbed her by the arm before she had the chance.

“You’re awake,” his mother breathed out, her own eyes welling up with tears.

“I’ll grab the doc,” his father said in a hurry and turned out the room to do just that.

Sonny looked from his mother and his sisters to the stranger again. He seemed to be apathetic to the noise around him. His head was down again and he appeared to go right back to reading.

Sonny’s family wasn’t exactly closed off, but it was still odd that nobody seemed to question the kid’s presence. He turned to look at Bella as she stopped by his bedside. He slowly reached out and she grabbed his hand with two chubby fists. She was so small, her head barely reached over the side.

The next thing he knew some doctor was walking in with his father. Sonny was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people in the room, but he held it in to listen to what the doctor had to say.

It was standard stuff. The doctor shined a light in his eyes and held a stethoscope to his chest while she asked him a series of questions. How he was feeling, if he remembered what happened, and who did this to him.

He’d answered the first two questions with relative ease. “Like I was hit by a car,” and “I remember,” he’d nodded too. But when the doctor asked who did it, he balked.

 _Bobby_. He thought about the older kid, saw his face, remembered Bobby’s fist and his hand on the back of his head. But when he realized the doctor and his family were waiting for an answer, he’d simply opened his mouth, let it hang open, then shut it.

He felt like an idiot. There was no reason to protect that bully, but he couldn’t make himself say it.

The doctor just gave him a long look, then sighed.

“You’ll have to stay here for another day or two to make sure no infections flare up. After that you’ll be good to go,” she looked to his parents and nodded. They gave shaky nods in return. The doctor looked back at Sonny and gave him another look, rested a hand on his covered ankle, then walked away.

“Thank you,” his mother said as she made her way out.

“Take care,” the doctor said, and then she was gone.

“That’s good, right?” His mother said, leaning in and placing a tender kiss on Sonny's forehead.

“Yeah,” Sonny croaked.

“Oh, and I didn’t know you had such a good friend, Sonny. Rafi’s been here by your side almost every day,” his mother said next, walking over and wrangling a hand through the mysterious boy’s hair as if they’d known the kid for years. Sonny didn’t have the heart to tell her he didn’t even know the boy’s name before she’d said it. _Rafi?_ What kind of name even is that?

“That’s right,” his father piped up. “He’s a good kid. Why haven’t you brought him around for supper, huh?”

Sonny felt his cheeks, sore as they were, flaring up. Hell if he knew how to answer any of this. He wasn’t even sure he could answer why the boy was there in the first place. His parents didn’t let up, asking questions about the boy Sonny didn’t even know until they’d ran out of things to ask.

And then moving on to other things. How Sonny needed to get home soon so they could feed him because, _‘You need to eat, Sonny. Look at you! You’re skin and bones!’_ His mother would say.

He wasn’t exactly sure when he’d fallen asleep. It was likely the drugs pumping through his IV. The last thing he’d remembered was his ma going on about all the schoolwork he’d missed. Bella was poking at him too, trying to get his attention. And that mystery kid—Rafi, or whatever—was just sitting there reading throughout it all.

* * *

By the time Sonny woke up, the sun was shining through the window. He was alone in the room, meaning his parents were likely home with his siblings or out getting snacks from the hospital cafeteria.

He turned his head and looked toward the door just in time to see it open. That kid from yesterday walked in. A new book was tucked under his arm today. Sonny couldn’t quite make out the title.

“Hey,” Sonny said as the boy’s eyes landed on his.

“Hi,” the boy said, then walked over to the same seat he occupied the day before and folded his legs as he settled into it.

Sonny stared at him quietly for a while, watching as the boy flipped a page in the book that he could now see was something called _The Tools of Argument_. Sonny didn’t get it. The book looked way too advanced for someone around their age. Even if the boy _was_ older than Sonny, he didn’t see how someone even fifteen or sixteen could handle a book like that. He was pretty sure his class was working on _To Kill a Mockingbird_. And it was definitely a huge step down from the strange book the boy beside him was so obviously absorbed in.

Instead of asking about it, Sonny was much too curious to know, “Your name is Rafi?”

The boy paused in his reading and slowly looked up and directly into Sonny’s eyes. “Rafael,” he clarified.

Sonny’s mouth twitched into a smile. “My ma called you Rafi,” he said, chuckling.

Rafael’s mouth did a thing. It wasn’t quite a smile, but it was something. “I know,” he breathed out, sounding exhausted by the whole thing, though a little humored. “I told her my name, but she’s insistent upon shortening it.” He looked down and flipped another page in his book.

Sonny fidgeted, because he didn’t want their conversation to end there. Besides, he really wanted to know why Rafael was even here. Despite maybe seeing him in passing, Sonny was sure they’d never formally met.

“How come you’re here?”

Rafael looked up again, and he seemed to be thinking about his answer, looking up and around the room while he formulated the words. A few seconds passed before he answered, “My mom is a nurse here. Sometimes I come after school to wait for her shift to end.”

Sonny wasn’t sure that fully answered his question.

Rafael must’ve read the confusion on his face, because he breathed out a heavy sigh, rolled his eyes, and said, “I met your mother the day after you were brought in. She was crying and I offered her a tissue.”

Sonny smiled brightly, “Ah, I get it now.”

Rafael gave him a look, “She thought I was your friend. Does your mom always talk over people?”

“Sort of,” Sonny said through a laugh. He could imagine his mother, her strong accent and her way of speaking so loudly that it became hard to get a word in. His father too. It was why the Carisi children learned to speak up, because otherwise you’d go unheard. Rafael must not have gotten that lesson.

He continued his explanation, “Well, then she offered to let me come in and see you, and how could I say no?” He smiled, something snarky and a bit facetious. Sonny couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “It’s quiet in here, so I figured it was a good place to do some reading. Or it was…” he gave Sonny a disapproving look this time, but Sonny didn’t take it to heart.

“Well, I’m sorry,” Sonny said, sounding cheeky. “I’ll just be quiet while you use my room to read your boring book.”

“Boring?” Rafael said, eyebrows raised.

“What even is that?” Sonny wished he could sit up, but his body was still too achy. Normally he would’ve reached over to examine the book himself.

Rafael must’ve seen that he wanted to, because a second later, he closed the book and handed it over.

Sonny hesitated for a moment, looking into Rafael’s eyes to make sure he was positive. When Rafael offered up a short nod, Sonny smiled and grabbed the book for himself.

He squinted at the plain, dark cover.

“Yeah,” he said definitively. “You telling me this isn't boring?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, and Sonny was starting to get the feeling he did that a lot. “I’m going to be a lawyer.”

Sonny whipped his head over to him, shocked. “You are?” He wasn’t sure if he fully believed it, but it was hard not to when someone said something like that with so much conviction. But, then again, at his age, Sonny would believe anything if it was said to him without cracking a smile.

Rafael nodded, so sure of himself. “I am.”

“Wow,” Sonny handed the book back. “I don’t know what I’m gonna be.”

“Well,” Rafael took the book and placed it in his lap. “If you break the law, I’ll be there to prosecute you.”

“You mean, if I’m a criminal?” Sonny asked, smiling, like just thinking of something so foreign was exciting.

“That is what you’d be labeled as if you broke the law,” Rafael shrugged. “Maybe if you rob a bank.”

Sonny gasped, “I’d never do that!”

“Or if you drive while intoxicated.”

“If I what?” Sonny tilted his head.

“Drunk driving,” Rafael said, and his mouth pulled into a soft smile. “How old are you, anyway?”

Sonny cleared his throat before he answered, “Thirteen.”

“Mmm no,” Rafael said and shook his head.

“What?”

“You’re not thirteen,” he shook his head again.

“How would you know?” Sonny said, squinting his eyes and looking indignant.

“Because you’re lying,” Rafael pointed out, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. And okay, maybe he _was_ fibbing.

“Fine. I’m twelve,” Sonny conceded with a pout. Then he perked up, “But I turn thirteen in a month!”

Rafael let out a soft laugh, “Okay, okay.”

“What about you, Rafi?” Sonny asked and Rafael gave him a playful glare for the nickname.

“I’m fifteen,” he answered.

Sonny’s face scrunched, “You don’t look it.”

Rafael just shook his head, “Looks can be deceiving.”

Sonny smiled, but didn’t know what to say to that, so he changed the subject. “You go to St. Vincent?”

Rafael nodded, “I transferred last semester. We used to live in the Bronx.”

“So I have seen you around!”

Rafael smirked, “I doubt it.”

“I thought you were younger than me,” Sonny grinned. “Because you’re so small.”

Rafael snorted out a laugh, a real laugh this time, and raised his book like it was a weapon. “You know, I’d hit you with this if you weren’t already in a hospital bed.”

“Yeah, but then you’d be the criminal!”

It was hard to tell how long they just talked after that. It was so easy with Rafael. It was like they’d known each other since kindergarten, the way they spoke so freely. How Rafael would joke and tell stories about how he would be the next big District Attorney of New York and how Sonny would be his first case. How Sonny could talk about baseball practice and how he’d had to chase off the boys who used to pick on Bella at the bus stop.

At some point, his parents came into the room with snacks and even something for Rafael.

And later, when it was time for Rafael to leave, Sonny felt something shift in his stomach. He wanted so badly for the older boy to stay and talk. He even liked it when Rafael would pick on him from time to time. So much so that on the next day when Rafael came into his room, he’d greeted him with his biggest smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story started out as a tiny idea, and then I had more tiny ideas... then I just couldn't stop writing! 
> 
> That being said, I felt really good once I finished writing this. I'll be posting each chapter every other day, so you won't have to wait long (I just want to make sure I don't have too many typos hiding in there). 
> 
> So, thank you for reading! I really hope you enjoyed this and are looking forward to reading some more! <3


	2. Spring 2004

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny age: 15
> 
> Rafael age: 17

Sonny rode his bike down to the park entrance in Sunnyside. He pushed himself off the seat and dropped down to his feet once he entered. Just past the entrance, sitting under a tree on a bench reading one of his books was Rafael Barba.

Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe because Sonny’s fifteenth birthday just passed and that somehow meant something that boiled down to simple biology. Whatever it was, every time he laid his eyes on his best friend, Sonny felt something tug and squeeze at his insides.

Being… gay… was something he’d discovered even before he’d met Rafael. He didn’t fully understand it back then. But now that he was deep in the middle of his teenage years, he knew what it meant. And he thought maybe, because he was gay, he just happened to find Rafael more attractive than he would the average friend.

But, that didn’t seem quite right.

Because, though he was attracted to Rafael, seventeen and bronze and beautiful with his curly brown hair and green eyes, there was something a bit deeper than that that Sonny still couldn’t get a good grasp on. He was too young and too afraid to call it love. But if there was an emotion that came closest to it…

“Sonny!” Rafael called, having spotted Sonny frozen there at the entrance. Sonny hadn’t even realized he’d just been staring.

Sonny smiled, dimples defined and creasing his cheeks as he strolled over with his bike. “Hey, Rafi,” he said, sitting beside his friend on the bench. “We’re going to see a movie, and you brought a book?” He looked down at it, though he couldn’t really make out the words. The text was so small. Why is the text always so small in college level books?”

“Because they like to pack a lot of information on one page,” Rafael answered, and Sonny hadn’t even realized he’d asked the question out loud.

“Ah, if you say so,” Sonny said and Rafael promptly rolled his eyes.

“So,” Rafael said, closing his book and pushing himself up on his feet. Rafael shoved his book into his messenger bag and Sonny rushed to stand up alongside him. “What movie are we watching?”

Sonny grinned, “Dawn of the Dead.”

Rafael’s usually tanned face paled considerably.

Sonny couldn’t hold back his laughter. He knew Rafael would panic at the thought of watching a scary movie. He would never admit it, not in so many words, but he was definitely a chicken. Something Sonny found out on the first Halloween they’d spent together. Rafael had been shaking the whole way through that haunted house.

Rafael cleared his throat, looking indignant, and asked, “Isn’t there something else we could see? What about 13 Going on 30?”

Sonny laughed and shook his head, he started walking with his bike and Rafael followed. “You wanna watch a chick flick?”

“How very chauvinistic,” Rafael pointed out and it was Sonny’s turn to roll his eyes.

“You know what I mean. Besides, that movie isn’t even in theaters anymore,” he said, and as that dawned on Rafael, Sonny’s smile grew wider. “And I already bought the tickets.”

Rafael groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing over them. “Great,” he grumbled.

“Alright, hop on,” Sonny said, propping himself up on his bike. Rafael was still pouting, but he climbed on the back and wrapped his arms securely around Sonny’s thin waist.

Sonny felt his cheeks and neck warm up. He hoped Rafael couldn’t see his skin getting red. And maybe he couldn’t because Rafael leaned forward and pillowed his cheek on Sonny’s back. Sonny gulped down his anxiety and started pedaling, doing his best to ignore the way Rafael’s body felt against his as he steered them toward the movie theater.

Talking was the best way to distract himself from the way his stomach fluttered. So, Sonny spoke up as they left the park, “You never told me how you did on your SATs.”

He could feel Rafael’s lips curling upward against his back. “1580,” Rafael answered.

Sonny almost crashed his bike into a trash can as he heard the score. “You’re kidding?” He was smiling too. But, he wasn’t that surprised. Rafael was the smartest person Sonny had ever met. His mom always said he should stick with him, because _‘That kid is going places, Sonny. You hear me?’_

“Yep, I’m a genius,” Rafael said, sounding smug. He lifted his head and propped his chin on Sonny’s back. It dug in a bit, but Sonny didn’t really mind.

“You’ll definitely get into any school with a score like that,” Sonny said, turning his head as he took a turn on his bike off the sidewalk and into the bike lane.

“That’s the plan. And I’m taking you with me,” Rafael said, squeezing his arms tighter around Sonny’s waist. Sonny’s heart fluttered.

“As your sidekick?” Sonny asked, trying to sound normal, though his voice might have cracked.

It was a good thing Rafael wasn’t likely to hear it with the wind whipping around them as they rode.

“Of course. Every genius needs a sidekick,” Rafael chuckled and leaned with his cheek again.

It only took five more minutes for them to get to the theater after that. Once they were there, they hopped off the bike and Rafael stepped to the side so that Sonny could lock it up with the rest of the bikes on the street. He unlatched the bike lock from where it was locked around the top tube and hooked it against the rack.

When he was done, he stepped up to Rafael and pulled the two tickets from his back pocket.

“You know,” Rafael said as he eyed the ticket on their way to the entrance. “Since I got an almost perfect score on my SATs, you really should let me pick the film.”

“Uh, uh. No way, Rafi. You picked the last movie, and I’m not sitting through another one of those sad musicals.”

Rafael gasped, “Those were early screening tickets to Finding Neverland! You should have been grateful.”

“Uh huh,” Sonny drawled and Rafael pushed his arm lightly for it.

They went inside the theater and handed over their stubs. Sonny instructed Rafael to find seats while Sonny grabbed popcorn and drinks.

Back in the theater, Rafael picked the seats furthest away from the screen. Sonny chuckled at him as Rafael waved him over. He shuffled through the people in his aisle and sat down with a huff. “You had to pick seats all the way on Mars?”

Rafael gave him a look. “You wanted me to see this movie, so deal with the seats.”

Sonny popped a piece of popcorn in his mouth and grinned, “You’re such a baby.”

Rafael glared, “You do realize I’m older than you, right?”

“Only when you remind me,” Sonny joked and Rafael jabbed him on the side.

“Que te la pique un pollo,” Rafael grumbled.

He was pouting again, and Sonny just chuckled.

The lights dimmed once the trailers started running. Rafael was leaning considerably close, especially since most of the trailers were for other horror films soon to be released. Sonny didn’t mind. To be honest, he found himself leaning close too just to feel Rafael next to him.

By the time the movie started, Rafael’s arm was locked around Sonny’s. His head was in the perfect angle for him to bury it against Sonny’s shoulder the moment a jump scare happened on screen. Sonny was just smiling and enjoying the movie, along with the warmth that came along each time Rafael sought comfort in their proximity.

Toward the middle of it, Rafael’s hand was clutching Sonny’s. Their fingers were interlaced and Rafael's face was almost completely sheathed in the curve of Sonny’s neck. He practically stayed that way the rest of the film. Especially when someone was on the receiving end of a particularly gruesome zombie mauling. Rafael would peek every now and then, but he stayed stiff and secure against Sonny.

Sonny was doing his best to pay attention to the movie, but he was too distracted. He wasn’t even sure how the characters got out of the mall, or what happened to that dude on the roof, because he was way too focused on the warmth of Rafael’s breath against his neck. Of how their fingers felt locked together. It wasn’t the first time they’d held hands like that. It never seemed to mean anything, other than Rafael’s apparent comfort with being physical.

Even so, Sonny’s mind took him to all sorts of places. Most of them were too confusing for his developing mind, but some were simple fantasies. Holding hands like this while riding on the ferry. Shopping together, and Rafael leaning in to whisper something in his ear. And if he did, Sonny would feel that same warmth from Rafael’s mouth against his neck.

It was all just a fantasy, but it kept him far more entertained than the movie was in this moment.

When it was over and the credits were rolling, he could feel—rather than see—how Rafael started to relax next to him. He removed his arm and unlocked their interlaced hands. He pulled his face from Sonny’s neck, and sat straight in his seat. Sonny wouldn’t mention how much he almost immediately missed that feeling of closeness.

“I hate you,” were the first words Rafael said.

Sonny burst into laughter and shook his head. “You love me. Don’t kid yourself.”

Rafael looked at him with narrowed eyes.

Sonny raised his hands in mock-defeat, “Okay, fine, _you hate me_. But it wasn’t that bad.” He got up after that, carrying their half-eaten popcorn and drinks with him to dispose of in the trash by the theater exit.

“It was awful,” Rafael said as they came out into the hallway.

“Nah,” Sonny said. “If you had actually watched the whole thing, you would’ve seen that there was nothing to be afraid of.”

“Right,” Rafael said dully, like he didn’t believe a word that came out of Sonny’s mouth.

“Okay! So,” Sonny started, effectively changing the subject and lightening the mood. “Food?” They pushed out of the movie theater doors back onto the street. He reached his hand over and grabbed Rafael’s, and he wasn’t exactly sure what compelled him to do it. Maybe because he missed the warmth of it, or because he was in a strangely good mood, but whatever the reason, Rafael didn’t even blink. Their fingers laced again and neither felt the need to pull away or to correct the gesture in any way.

Rafael looked up at him and shrugged, “I could eat.”

“I could really go for a cannoli,” Sonny said, bypassing his bike and deciding to take the stroll instead.

“That’s not food,” Rafael pointed out.

“Yeah it is. Deserts are foods too.”

“Not real food.”

Sonny smiled and looked over at Rafael. “You’re a buzzkill.”

“Says the one who took me to a fucking zombie movie.”

Sonny opened his mouth to retort. Because what more of a buzz can you get outside of a thrilling zombie film?

But Rafael just barreled on, “How about we get actual food? And then maybe we can go to that Italian bakery close to your house.”

“ _Or_ ,” Sonny said slowly. “We could get some food, then I can beg my mom to make us some homemade cannolis?”

Rafael grinned, “Even better.”

* * *

They ate and talked at the diner they chose for their meal. Rafael told him about the book he’d been reading, some complicated law book. Most of it just went straight over Sonny’s head, but he could see why Rafael was so enthralled. Being a lawyer sounded kind of awesome to Sonny. He could imagine Rafael sharp and theatrical as he worked the fictional courtroom in his head. Sonny sort of wished he’d been able to grasp the sort of material Rafael had been into. By the end of their meal, he promised to let Sonny borrow some of his more beginner books.

They walked back to Sonny’s bike and rode down the streets out of town and toward the residential area where the Carisis lived. Once there, they dismounted and Sonny dropped his bike on the lawn. Something his mom always told him not to do, but that Sonny seemed to do anyway regardless.

Inside, they could hear the TV going and the sound of Bella giggling at something in the living room. When they walked in, they spotted Dominick Carisi Sr. in his usual chair watching a Giants game. Bella was wearing too much make up for her age and Gina was there holding a mirror in front of Bella’s face.

“You’re home!” Sonny said when he spotted his older sister. Gina was in her first year of college. He hadn’t seen her since her winter break.

“Hey, Sonny,” Gina walked over and Sonny met her halfway to give her a hug. “You got tall!” She said, wrangling a hand through his messy blond hair.

“You got short,” he commented and she pinched his side in response.

Her blue eyes settled on Rafael next, who smiled and said, “Hi Gina.”

“Rafi!” She stepped forward and forced Rafael into a big hug.

Rafael returned it with half of her enthusiasm, but he looked pleased, nonetheless.

“Gosh,” she said when she pulled back. She looked over Rafael and gestured toward Sonny. “I can’t believe you’re still friends with this dork.”

“Hey!” Sonny gave her a playful glare.

“He can’t seem to leave me alone,” Rafael said, playing along. Sonny gasped at him, putting on his best hurt face.

“Don’t let him get you into any trouble, okay?” Gina said, then turned back to pick up Bella, and was hopefully on her way scrubbing that make up off of her face.

As they went toward the stairs, Bella reached out her arm and waved, “Hi, Rafi! Bye, Rafi!”

Rafael smiled and waved just before they disappeared.

“You boys have a good time watching that movie?” Dominick said, looking pleased to see them together.

Rafael sighed, “Depends on your definition of a good time.”

Dominick barked out a laugh at the comment. Sonny rolled his eyes, “Come on.” He tugged Rafael’s sleeve and led him over to the kitchen. Francesca Carisi was there with her apron on, mixing together what was sure to be some sort of experiment.

When she heard them enter, she turned toward them with her big, curly blonde hair and a large smile. “Sonny! I thought you two would be out much later.”

Sonny shrugged, smiling warmly at his mother. “We wanted to see if you could bake us some cannolis.”

Francesca—or Fran—put her hands on her hips and tilted her head at the two boys. “You want me to slave over a stove for you, huh? Just like your father,” she shook her head good-naturedly.

“It was his idea,” Rafael said, pointing to Sonny, who softly elbowed Rafael in return.

“I could’ve guessed that,” she said. Then she walked over and placed both of her flower-covered hands on Rafael’s cheeks. She leaned forward and smiled brightly. “But, for you? I’ll make all the cannolis you want.” She pinched his cheeks and Rafael just accepted the treatment with a grain of salt. There wasn’t much he could do; he’d learned that a long time ago with the Carisi family.

She patted his cheeks and pulled away to go back to her stirring.

Sonny grumbled, “Why do I get the feeling that my family likes you more than me?”

Rafael just grinned and shrugged.

Sonny reached up and rubbed his thumb down Rafael’s cheek. He ignored the bit of shock that took over Rafael’s features and showed him the amount of flower he collected on his thumb.

Rafael looked at it, then groaned. Sonny just laughed as he grabbed a paper towel to help Rafael wipe it off.

Later, once their bellies were full and satisfied after consuming way too many sweets, they laid on the grass in Sonny’s backyard. They looked up at the sky and did their best to count the stars above their heads. It was easier in Staten Island with all the light pollution, but it seemed to take them forever.

Neither of them minded. It was just nice to lay there and mindlessly count the endless specks lighting up the dark sky. And if their hands ended up locked together again, neither of them could be bothered to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I'll put more translations in the notes as the story goes on for Rafael's outbursts. 
> 
> I hope you all liked this chapter. Again, thank you for reading~ I hope you're looking forward to the next installment.
> 
> — Translations — 
> 
> Que te la pique un pollo = Roughly translates to "I hope a chicken pecks your dick"


	3. Summer 2005

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny age: 16. Rafael age: 18

Sonny rode his bike down to South Beach. Rafael should be there. Graduation day was officially over. Sonny’s voice was almost hoarse with how loudly he and his family had screamed during the event as Rafael accepted his diploma, wearing the honor cords of the school’s valedictorian. He’d even given the speech, and Sonny had clung to each word like his life depended on it. 

_“We will take these memories with us to the next chapter of our lives,”_ Rafael had said. 

When it was over, Rafael and his mother were sticking around to speak to some of the teachers and the principal. He managed to pull away just long enough to give Sonny a kiss on the cheek and to tell him to meet him at the beach. 

Sonny felt a rush of excitement. He’d gone home and changed out of his semi-formal clothes and into shorts and a short-sleeved collared shirt. He ate dinner with his family, anxious to be able to get out of the house. And when he was done, he’d practically ran from the building, calling out that he had to meet Rafael on his way, not bothering to see if his parents had heard him. 

Once he spotted the sand, he hopped off his bike and locked it on the racks just off the beach. He walked ahead after that, and his eyes zeroed in on Rafael sitting by the water in his graduation robe almost immediately. 

He stopped once he got beside him and plopped down in the sand. Rafael was looking down, legs bent and his cap in his hands between them. He was fiddling with the tassel when he looked over at Sonny. 

“Hey,” Sonny said, grinning. 

Rafael gave him a smile in return, but his eyes were sad. 

Sonny opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but Rafael moved forward and kissed him before he could get the words out. 

Sonny found that he couldn’t think straight. Every time Rafael had kissed him in the last several months that they considered each other ‘boyfriend’ his brain would short-circuit. He ended up leaning in eagerly. With the amount of practice between the two of them, he was experienced enough now not to use too much teeth, to tilt his head the right way and even enough to know the difference between too much tongue and too little. 

They stayed, locked together that way, making out with all of their worth under the setting sun. 

Though the one thing Sonny still hadn’t mastered was how to breathe while he was so thoroughly consumed by Rafael and the feel of his lips. The softness. The way Rafael whimpered every now and again. So, eventually, he had to pull away. 

Sonny was out of breath, and Rafael—who despite not having kissed anyone before Sonny—looked perfectly composed. But happy. Happier than he had when he’d initially laid eyes on Sonny and had looked almost desperately sad. 

“Hi,” Rafael said, his green eyes sparkling in the dying sunlight. 

Sonny grinned and leaned forward to peck at Rafael’s lips one more time. When he pulled away, he stopped just an inch apart and smiled even wider. “Hi,” he mimicked. 

Rafael lifted one hand up and ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair, grazing just over his ear. 

“You know,” Sonny started to say, not bothering to pull away. “For someone who just survived four years of high school with a 4.0… you sure don’t look happy about it.” 

Rafael froze, visibly halted, like Sonny had just reminded him of something damning. He didn’t speak on it though, even if the brief look that crossed his expression had given Sonny a bit of anxiety. He just sighed and smiled like it was nothing and said, “Surviving high school isn’t the most valiant achievement.” 

“Pssh, for some it is,” Sonny said, finally leaning back and laying on the sand, his head cradled by his hands as he looked up at the blue and red colors of the sky. 

Rafael laid next to him on his side, his head resting on Sonny’s chest as they relaxed into their new position. One of Sonny’s hands went down and he held it around Rafael’s back, gripping his side. It was nice. Peaceful. Sonny didn’t think he ever wanted this to change. If he had to stay like this for the rest of his life, he’d die happy. That’s what he thought. 

Rafael took a deep breath and looked up at Sonny. Sonny struggled to look down, and when he couldn’t get a good angle, he gave up and let his head fall back again. 

Rafael chuckled, pushed up and turned. He threw one leg over Sonny’s and settled when he was able to hover directly over him. His elbows were on each side of Sonny’s head, propping him up while he straddled Sonny’s legs with his hips. 

“Hi,” Sonny said again, this time with a chuckle. Rafael chuckled along with him as he leaned down to give Sonny another slow kiss. 

Sonny’s hands went down to grab at Rafael’s hips. He wasn’t entirely sure what else to do with them, so he rested them there, squeezing a bit from the way Rafael settled against him. He felt himself getting hard, but tried to ignore it since they were sort of in public. Even if the beach was empty aside from them. 

Not that they’d ever done anything about a spurred erection before. The extent of their physical activities started and ended with hand holding and kissing. 

Rafael pulled away and grinned at Sonny’s red face. He must feel Sonny’s… problem, because he sat fully in Sonny’s lap and nearly grinded into it. Sonny gasped and hissed and Rafael licked his lips hungrily. 

“Rafi—,” Sonny said, stilted and ragged from how Rafael was subtly rubbing against him. 

“You’re so cute,” Rafael said, like he didn’t hear Sonny. He was flushed a bit too, but didn’t look nearly as frazzled as Sonny felt. He bent forward and kissed Sonny’s neck, just beneath his chin. He settled his lips there and mouthed at the skin, the wet, soft feeling of his lips made Sonny feel shaky. He gripped Rafael’s hips tighter and unwittingly shifted his own hips up, thrusting tentatively against Rafael. When he did, he felt something hard meet him halfway from beneath Rafael’s gown and slacks. 

Sonny laughed and it came out strangled and full of nerves. He looked up at Rafael and tried his best to give him a disapproving look. “Cute?” 

Rafael chuckled and nodded. “Si, muy lindo.” 

“You know,” Sonny said and cleared his throat. “You might be older than me, but I’m way taller than you.” 

Rafael rolled his eyes, pushing his hips down and dragging them across the fabric of Sonny’s shorts, making Sonny close his eyes and groan at the feeling. “Three inches taller,” Rafael pointed out, sounding a bit breathless as he moved his hips again, Sonny met him halfway this time. 

“Whatever,” Sonny said, closing his eyes as he continued to move his hips. He was losing himself to the feeling. Rafael leaned forward again to continue his path along Sonny’s neck, biting and licking now while he moved one hand to grip at Sonny’s hair. 

Sonny reached until he was able to get his hands underneath Rafael’s gown. He moved his hands up and hurriedly untucked the collared shirt underneath. Once the fabric was freed, he reached under the shirt and palmed at Rafael’s back, rubbing up and relishing at the feeling of skin against skin. 

Rafael lifted his head up and kissed Sonny again. This time was a bit sloppy and open-mouthed. Sonny let out a particularly loud moan as Rafael’s movements started to get rougher. He dragged his dull nails against Rafael’s back and pushed his hips up to feel more of him. 

When he couldn’t take much more of it, Sonny used the strength he gained from frequent baseball practices to flip their positions. He turned them over so that Rafael was on his back in the sand and Sonny was on top. He wasn’t sure where he’d gotten the sudden bit of confidence. Maybe it was the sounds Rafael was making, encouraging him. Maybe it wasn’t confidence at all, but pure lust. Whatever it was, Sonny found it in him to take the lead. 

And they stayed like that, kissing and dry-humping and blissfully ignorant of the world around them. 

It was the first time Sonny had ever had an orgasm that wasn’t self-administrated. It was the first time they did anything close to sex. In Sonny’s mind, that night was perfect. 

Even if going home with dried jizz in his pants was… less than perfect. 

* * *

That summer had been one of the best of Sonny’s life. He’d spent nearly every day with Rafael. He was preparing for his junior year of high school, but he couldn’t even really think about it. 

Rafael was preparing for college, and it seemed to be the last thing on his mind. He hadn’t even told Sonny where he’d applied, or if he even got in. 

Sonny would bet it was some prestigious school like Dartmouth or Princeton. He wondered how long they’d go before Rafael inevitably left him behind to do all those bigger and better things he was capable of. But despite that being the core of all of Sonny’s worries, Rafael acted as if the future didn’t exist. Every second together was lived in the moment. They didn’t talk about what would happen in the fall, and just enjoyed being with each other. 

They’d even went all the way. 

Sonny couldn’t fully wrap his mind around it. Everything that happened seemed too intense to comprehend in the aftermath, but he knew that it was the most amazing thing he’d ever experienced. Being connected with someone in such an intimate way. And Rafael, having spent days researching everything beforehand, had been so patient and beautiful the whole way through. 

Now, at sixteen going on seventeen, Sonny was confident to call the feelings he had for Rafael love. 

He loved him. So much that he couldn’t think straight at times. He loved Rafael with everything in him. He wanted so badly to be like that forever. Whether it was staring up at the sky, hanging out and talking at the park, or wrapped together in bed while his parents were sleeping. Naked and sweaty from proving together how strongly they felt about one another. He wanted it all to last forever. 

But deep down, he knew it wouldn’t. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! The next one will be pretty short so it’ll be posted very soon (most likely today). Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Until next time~
> 
> — Translations — 
> 
> “Si, muy lindo” - “Yes, very cute”


	4. Fall 2005

There wasn’t a goodbye. Not officially. Not in the way, even in the darkest part his mind, Sonny could imagine. 

When Rafael would inevitably go off to college, leaving Sonny behind, he thought there would be a long talk, maybe some crying, and then something passionate and loving between them. He imagined them making love one final time before they had to separate. He imagined Rafael clinging to him in that way that he would sometimes if he snuck in and spent the night in the Carisi household, unbeknownst to Sonny’s parents. 

He imagined Rafael peppering him with kisses. He imagined Rafael telling him, “I love you.” 

And Sonny saying, “I love you too,” with his whole heart. 

But it was nothing like that. 

It was a letter. 

_ Te amo, Sonny,  _

_ I didn’t realize when I decided to utilize your hospital room that day that I would end up giving you everything I had. Or, that I would want to.  _

_ I didn’t know that you would become the most important person in my life. Even my abuelita has grown tired of hearing me talk about you.  _

_ But, what we had is something I can’t take with me moving forward. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again, but know that the last few years have been the best of my life.  _

_ I was accepted to Harvard. I’m moving away. I didn’t tell you all this time, because I was afraid. Now that it’s time for me to go, I decided to be selfish. This last summer together with you has been perfect. I didn’t want to spoil it with a goodbye, so I wrote this letter instead. I hope you’ll find someone else to love the way you loved me, but not too soon, me escuchas?  _

_ Mi primero y unico amor, until we meet again.  _

_ Rafael _

When Sonny finished reading the letter he didn’t cry. He didn’t really move much at all. He just sat on his bed, reading it over and over, until his eyes stung. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was very short, but there will be more to come very soon! I hope you all enjoyed it~
> 
> — Translations — 
> 
> “Te amo, Sonny” - “My love, Sonny” 
> 
> “Me eschuchas?” - “You hear me?” 
> 
> “Mi primero y unico amor” - “My first and only love”


	5. Spring 2021 Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny age - 36, Rafael age - 38

“I need to speak to the witness,” the new ADA said as he barreled his way into the precinct. Nobody had gotten a true introduction. Nobody knew who the squirrelly man with the pink tie and expensive suit was. Nobody even had time to catch their necks from spinning before he was already dead center of the squad room with an expectant look on his tanned face. 

But as soon as he was standing there, and Sonny heard that voice after nearly twenty years of radio silence, his whole body seized up. 

It only happened for a few seconds; a small convulsion that nobody who wasn’t really looking would notice. But it happened. A slight tremor that ran from his toes to his gut, squeezing there, applying a turning type of pressure that could only come from this sort of surprise encounter. Or acid reflux, maybe. 

“You must be Barba,” the lieutenant, Olivia Benson, said, breaking through the huddled bunch of detectives and unis to introduce herself to the Cuban man. 

“Lieutenant,” Barba, or Rafael—Rafi, as Sonny knew him—greeted her with an appraising up and down look. 

Liv outstretched her hand and he accepted it with a quick and firm shake. 

“I need to speak to the witness,” he said again, picking right back up from where he started. “Ms. Connoway,” he clarified. “You want me to get an indictment, I need her testimony to be air tight.” He started walking and Liv followed after him into her office. Sonny could only assume Rafael hadn’t actually noticed the other people gawking at him in the precinct. Surely, if he had, he would’ve recognized Sonny.

He wasn’t that forgettable. Not to Rafael, at least. He wouldn’t believe that for a second. 

Though he supposed he didn’t look like the same lanky 16-year-old he used to be. And he had an impressive ‘stache now. Or, at least  _ he _ thought so. 

Sonny watched them until the door to Liv’s office closed. When it did, a large, unexpected bout of air was released from his chest. He hadn’t even realized he was holding it in. As it went, his chest ached and he felt lightheaded. He swayed and held himself together with one hand on his hip and the other gripping his forehead. 

“You good?” He heard the sergeant, Odafin Tutuola, say from his desk. He had on this customary look that seemed to fit Fin’s persona to a T. The squinted eyes, the slight gape of his mouth, the suspicion written all over. But he wouldn’t pry.  _ You good _ , was just about the extent of comfort Fin was willing to give on a daily basis. The sarge knew people needed to pull their cards out on their own terms. So, instead of seeking out whatever was bothering his colleagues, Fin read people. It’s why he’s damn good at his job, and even better in the interrogation room. 

“Yeah,” Sonny answered. The hand on his forehead went down to match the other one on his hip. He nodded and licked his lips, “Yeah, I’m good. I’m gonna grab some coffee. You want any?” 

Fin shook his head, “Nah, man.” The suspicion grew more palpable. Sonny didn’t address it. He just nodded again and walked off to the break area. He didn’t notice a set of blue eyes watching him as he went. 

It wasn’t until Sonny was in the break room, a cup of stale coffee in hand while he banged the side of his fist against the vending machine, urging it to give him his damn Rollo, that he felt Amanda Rollin’s presence closing in. He wasn’t sure if he could sense it because of their three years of becoming attached at the hip, or if he smelled the faint scent of her Chanel perfume as she entered. 

Either way, he gave her a leveled look—pure exhaustion—then said, “We just got these things and it still won’t spit out my goddamn candy.” 

Amanda snorted, “Kick the bottom. That usually works.” 

“Ah,” Sonny nodded, then sent a sharp kick to the area underneath the take-out port. Finally, the Rollo was relinquished from captivity. “Thanks,” he said as he grabbed it. 

“Yeah, no problem. You wanna tell me why you looked like you were gonna shit yourself back there? Or why you’re currently breathing like you’re about to hyperventilate?” 

“I’m not,” he said, because he wasn’t. This was a mild freak out, not a full-blown panic attack. Even if he was breathing… slightly harder than what was considered normal.

“Mm okay,” she said like the sly devil she was. It was her conceive and slow nod move. She did that when she knew a perp or suspect was full of shit. Or, in this case, when Sonny was full of shit. 

“I just—,” he wanted to explain what happened in there, but he didn’t think he could. Not without looking like the high school dork he used to be. 

“You just, what?” she stepped closer, caging him against the vending machine. He had nowhere to run. 

Sonny sighed through his nose. He looked away from her calculating gaze to the myriad of snack options in the machine. Then he tilted his head and looked back at Amanda, assessing this time. He finally relented, “You saw that guy who just walked in like he owned the damn place?”

“Yeah,” she answered slowly. Her eyes rolled up like she was thinking. “The new ADA. Something-Barba.” She looked back at him. “Why?”

“Rafael,” he said, filling the blank in her answer. 

“What?” 

“That’s his name. Rafael Barba. We...” he rubbed over his mouth. “We knew each other back in the day.” 

“Before the porn-stache?” She joked and he felt himself chuckle unwittingly. He tilted his head down and glared, a silent reprisal. “Sorry,” she said through a stifled laugh. “Back what? Back when y’all were kids?” 

“Yeah,” he sighed. Turning, he pressed his back against the vending machine and sipped at his coffee. He didn’t need the taste of caffeine, but it was a good distraction. 

“So what? Did he do something to you? Did he hurt you, Sonny?” She stepped a centimeter closer, head turned and mouth pulled down like she meant business. Sonny knew it too. She only called him Sonny when she was dropping the whole cop-buddy routine and revealed the I’ll-kill-anyone-who-hurts-you underlay. 

“Nah, not really,” he waved it off. She visibly relaxed, shoulders slacking and her eyes waning to something less murderous. “We just have a history, that’s all. We used to… date back then. It was a long time ago,” he settled on saying. Amanda wasn’t going to give up until he gave her a bone anyway. 

And she did, thankfully. Because she nodded, looked at him, nodded again, and said, “Alright.” Her best friend duties were done. He wasn’t going to fall apart. Not yet, at least. For now, he was good and she knew that too. 

Changing the subject, he asked, “You want something?” He pointed a thumb behind him to the machine. 

Amanda shook her head and laughed, “No thanks. You just kicked the living hell out of that thing. I’ll give it a sec to recover.” She smirked at him before walking off to her desk. 

Sonny snorted out a laugh as she went. And as soon as she was gone, he felt the earlier anxiety creeping up again. It wasn’t as bad as the initial shock, but it was there. Just muted now. That was Amanda’s doing, but he still had the eerie sense that his and Rafael’s first face-to-face meeting after almost two decades wouldn’t just be swept away as some strange twist of fate meeting. He had a feeling it would be so much worse. It’s one thing to have to work with an old flame. It’s another to work with someone who was—and still is—the love of his young life. 

* * *

What happened between them happened so long ago, Sonny really shouldn’t put much stock in it. He knew he should just let it roll off his shoulders. He’d always known Rafael had worked his way up to accomplishing his dreams, becoming the lawyer he always said he would be. That he’d moved back to New York. Brooklyn was the last place Sonny remembered reading about when he happened across an article about one of Rafael’s cases. It was only a matter of time before their paths crossed. Sonny should be better prepared for it by now. 

But he wasn’t. 

Rafael had left Liv’s office on that first day without sparing anyone else so much as a glance. All business. In and out. Sonny sat at his desk the whole time and those green eyes didn’t even flicker in his direction. 

Nothing. 

But that was sort of a relief. A slight disappointment, but way more of a relief. It spared him from having to confront the sudden onslaught of resurfacing feelings right away. He could contemplate and turn them over. Facing them on that first day would’ve been a brewing shitstorm anyway. 

But it didn’t save him from the inevitable. Because he had a job to do. And his job, somewhat unfortunately, was very deeply intertwined with the jobs of assistant district attorneys. They were all cogs to one wheel. So, eventually, he would have to be face to face with the man who used to call him Sonny and kiss him hello and goodbye. He’d have to look into those green eyes and pretend that he hadn’t shut down that first year while Rafael was away at Harvard. That he hadn’t gotten into more fights at school. That he hadn’t been so closed off that year that his parents thought he might need to see a shrink. 

He’d have to pretend like it didn’t still hurt like hell. He’s an adult and a damn good detective. One of which made him a pretty decent liar. He could do this. 

So, when Liv walked up to his desk, slapped a file there, and said, “Carisi. I need you to give this to Barba,” Sonny didn’t choke on his own spit, no matter how hard his throat convulsed. 

Amanda spoke up before Sonny had the chance to reply, and bless her heart for trying to save him. “I can do it,” she offered, but Liv shut her down without a second thought. 

“You’re coming with me to grab Stevens,” she said, already shrugging on her coat. Amanda shot Sonny a concerned look, he waved it off, she got up and grabbed her own coat in response to the gesture. 

“These the lab results for the bedsheets?” Sonny asked as he opened the file and scanned over the contents. 

“Yep. It’s a match. We’re gonna nail the son of a bitch,” Liv said, and then the ladies were out in a flash of hair and coats and the clicking noise of their heeled boots. 

Sonny waited for them to be gone before he let out a groan. Fin wasn’t there. He was off utilizing his day off to play video games with his grandson who could barely hold up his own head, let alone a controller. Sonny would hate to think that he could be cowardly enough to pawn off an errand on Fin, but—though it was only wishful thinking—it damn sure was enticing. 

With a sigh, Sonny pushed himself up and grabbed his own coat. He slid it on and clutched the file to his chest, then strolled out with his head up high. He wasn’t going to let this get to him. He’d drop off the documents and if Rafael wanted to bring up the past, Sonny would brush it off and let bygones be bygones. 

* * *

The idea sounded good enough in his head. But obviously, it was easier said than done. 

Okay, he never thought it would be easy, but he also never thought he’d be standing outside of 1 Hogan Place for five minutes too long just staring. 

He really needed to get the lab results to Rafael as soon as possible. He had to. If he didn’t, he could screw up the chain of custody and create a hole for the defense to poke through. There was nothing that would piss Sonny off more. 

But now, standing in front of the building, all Sonny could think about was how long it would take if he made a run for it back to his car. Or how much trouble he would be in if he dropped the file with some clerk and put his faith in God. 

That wasn’t him though. He was squirmy sometimes, but he wasn’t a coward. So, even with every fiber of his being telling him to chicken out, he made his way up the steps and into the building. 

Rafael’s office was on the fourth floor. It took him no time at all to get to it, which sort of sucked. It was hardly enough time to get his rattled nerves to settle. Despite himself, he put on a smile as he approached Carmen’s desk. 

Carmen was ADA Alexandra Cabot’s assistant when he’d met her. He vaguely wondered how she was getting on with someone like Rafael. High strung, fast talking, an ego the size of a planet. Sonny could only imagine those sorts of things only grew with age. Of course, there was also the soft side. The side of Rafael that would swap Cuban dinners for the Carisi family specials. Tostones for a cannoli. The side of him that grabbed and leaned into Sonny when he laughed. The side that would kiss Sonny’s neck on a whim. 

God, he needed to stop thinking about this. 

“Detective,” Carmen said in greeting. She got up from her desk with a small, polite smile. “Mr. Barba’s in his office.” 

“Uh,” Sonny was sweating. “Thanks.” She was already walking toward the door. He followed her, the folder gripped in both hands, and waited for her to open the door before he walked in. 

Rafael’s head was down. He was writing out something while glancing between papers and his phone’s screen.

“Mr. Barba,” Carmen said, “Detective Car—”

Rafael cut her off, “The lab results are back?” He didn’t bother looking up. Carmen wasn’t even phased. She gave Sonny another smile, then walked out and back to her desk. “You can set them here,” he said to Sonny, pointing at a free space on his desk and not bothering to look up.

Sonny cleared his throat and subconsciously made his voice a bit deeper when he said, “Sure thing.” He sounded ridiculous. He knew it and Rafael damn sure knew it too. It didn’t help that his Staten Island accent creeped out. 

Rafael looked up, eyebrow raised and mouth lifted up with a startled smile. “Excuse me?” Rafael asked, head tilting while his hands were frozen where they had been in the middle of opening the file. Sonny quickly turned his body away, and he could feel his neck heating up in embarrassment over his actions. 

What the hell was he even doing? 

He wasn’t entirely sure. 

“Are you… alright, detective?” Rafael dropped the file and sat back in his seat, like he was afraid Sonny—or in his head, some strange detective—was going to do something crazy. 

“I’m fine,” Sonny said, using a more neutral voice this time. He turned to just slightly face Rafael and gestured to the file. “That should be enough probable cause for a warrant, right?” 

“Right,” Rafael mimicked slowly, and now his eyes were squinted. Sonny, panicking, turned his body to face away again and prepared himself to walk out. “Wait,” Rafael stopped him before he had the chance. 

Sonny paused, facing the door, sweating even worse now. He heard Rafael get up from his seat and the shuffling sound of him walking around his desk. 

Sonny closed his eyes and swallowed a thick lump in his throat. When he opened his eyes, Rafael was standing right in front of him, looking up at him with the same intense green eyes he’s had since they were kids. 

“Do I know you?” Rafael asked, eyes squinting further. He leaned a bit closer and Sonny took a half step back. Rafael didn’t even blink at Sonny’s skittish behavior now. 

A few seconds of prolonged silence was all it took for the wheels to turn in Rafael’s head. His eyes widened and he stepped back. He placed a hand on his chest like he’d been hit with some invisible force. 

“Sonny?” He said,his voice coated with disbelief. 

Sonny looked down at his feet, smiling despite the anxiety that was creeping up his chest. He scratched the back of his head and nodded, “Yeah, it’s me.” He looked back up at Rafael and his smile faltered a bit at the horrified look that now replaced the shock that was once on Rafael’s face. “Uh, hey Rafi.”

“You…” Rafael started to say, but he cut himself off. He took a deep breath as he turned away from Sonny. His hands were on his hips and he looked completely frazzled. 

At least now Sonny didn’t feel so bad about how he’d acted when he’d first seen his high school boyfriend in the squad room. 

When Rafael seemed to get a hold of himself, he faced Sonny again and waved a finger under his own nose. “This is different.” 

Caris touched his upper lip, almost out of instinct, and said “Oh, yeah,” laughing as he realized Rafael was indicating his mustache. “You like it?” 

“No,” Rafael said quickly. 

Sonny felt himself laugh genuinely for the first time since this uncomfortable meeting. Rafael snorted out a short laugh of his own. But there was still something in his eyes. Something unsettled. Something Sonny couldn’t quite read.

Now, apparently, wasn't a good time to dive into it, because Rafael sucked in a sharp breath and said, “Well, what a surprise. It’s nice to see you’re doing well.” He sounded mostly normal now, if not a bit strained, as if all of his transparent panicking had never happened. He smoothed a hand over his tie and then used that same hand to gesture toward the door. “Thanks for stopping by, Son—er,” he squeezed his eyes shut. “Detective,” he corrected. “I’ll get that warrant. Now, if that’s all…” 

Rafael turned to walk around his desk, grabbed the file, then walked around Sonny and out of his office. Sonny was just standing there for a second, unsure of what exactly just happened. 

It took him a full minute to realize he should head back to the precinct. The whole way there, he couldn’t quite get the look Rafael gave him out of his head. 

* * *

Sonny had yet to give himself the proper time he needed to freak out. A part of him felt like he shouldn’t. 

He was in his thirties. Panicking over a childhood... fling... seemed ridiculous. Sure, he’d been in love, but it’s not like he could’ve compared what he and Rafael had to anything else at the time. They were young and stupid and he had devoted way too much of his heart into something that he knew wouldn’t last. 

But there was no denying how that relationship inadvertently affected his relationships that followed. 

Sonny's had several boyfriends over the near-two decades between then and now. His longest relationship had only lasted a year. And in each one, he hadn’t wanted to commit to anything more than what they could accomplish in the sheets. 

Moving in together, exchanging keys, making promises... he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do any of that. One relationship, a six-month-long one with a man named Leon, had ended for that very reason. Because Sonny had balked when the man offered him a spare key. Because Sonny wasn’t willing to make a duplicate of his own. He hadn’t thought all this time that it had anything to do with how things ended with Rafael. But, now, sitting in his apartment with his fourth beer bottle dangling between his fingers, and Rafael’s letter to him, long forgotten in his sock drawer, clutched in his other hand... 

Sonny was sure that he was doomed from the moment he’d woken up to Rafael Barba sitting beside him in that hospital room. 

He pressed the letter to his chest. He was leaned back on his hand-me-down couch, and was half staring up at the ceiling as he drowned the rest of his beer, funneling it down his throat. 

God, he was a mess. 

He didn’t want to admit it, but he was. One week. That’s all it’d been since Rafael became their new ADA. One week and Sonny was reminded of everything he’d worked so hard to forget about. 

Rafael’s smile.

Rafael’s lips.

When Rafael rolled his eyes.

When Rafael said something scathing in Spanish. 

All of it was flooding back to him.

The way he touched Sonny. The way he looked deep into Sonny’s eyes. The way he held Sonny’s hand as they gazed at the stars. 

The way his body felt during their last time. 

How he’d cuddled close to Sonny as he came and whimpered something desperate and intelligible into his ear. 

Thinking back, it sounded like something he remembered Rafael saying before. When they had just gotten together. When they first kissed.

_ “No me dejes...”  _

He didn’t know what it meant then, but he knew now. 

When he closed his eyes, beer bottle forgotten in his lap, he groaned at the memory, but he didn’t cry.

* * *

When Sonny woke up the next day for work, he felt mostly better. Even though he was still on his couch by the time the sun rose, and he was still in his clothes from last night, and that he’d slept with that empty beer bottle and the old letter cradled to his chest… 

Yeah, he felt mostly okay. 

He folded the letter and put it back in its place inside his drawer. He showered, brushed his teeth, styled his hair and dressed in a collared shirt, vest, a cheap tie and slacks. He stopped in front of the mirror and eyed his face. 

_ This is different.”  _

_ “Oh, yeah... You like it?”  _

_ “No.” _

Sonny shook his head. He shouldn’t let that get to him. Who cares what Rafael thinks about his facial hair? Sonny had worked hard to grow this mustache, and he thought it made him look like a real cop. It gave him a  _ look _ . 

He stood there trying to convince himself of this. But it wasn’t working, because the more he thought about it, and the funny way Rafael had shook his head, the closer his hand got to his razor. 

He grabbed it, then went for the shaving cream. 

With a sigh, he started smoothing the cream over his top lip. 

“Pathetic,” he said once the hair was fully covered. And it was true, because just the thought of Rafael rejecting his looks had him rushing to change it. Even so, it didn’t stop him from scrapping the hair and cream off his face with the razor. 

It didn’t take long. Just a few strokes later and his facial hair was gone. He patted his face with aftershave and smoothed his thumb over the skin on his lip. When he leaned back to look at his handy work, he squinted at his reflection. 

It didn’t look bad. Maybe it looked better. He wasn’t exactly sure. It’d been so long since he’d seen himself clean shaven. 

He shrugged after minutes of staring got him nowhere. He tucked his tie into his vest, grabbed his gun, holster and badge, then headed out so he could get to the precinct before he received a lecture from the lieu for being late. 

  
  


* * *

He should’ve known it was coming, but he was still startled when Amanda stopped in front of his desk and let out a long, low whistle. 

Sonny looked up from his documents, leaned back in his seat and looked away, grinning sheepishly at Amanda’s appreciative looks. 

“Look at you!” She said, gesturing wildly at him. “Who knew you were hiding a good looking guy under that thing on your face.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Sonny said with a dismissive wave. 

Fin chimed in with a chuckle, “Guy looks like a J. Crew model now.” 

Sonny rolled his eyes, but couldn’t deny that the attention was making his cheeks feel warm. 

Amanda leaned over his desk and spoke close to his ear, “This doesn’t have anything to do with you-know-who, does it?” She turned her head to look at him, and Sonny returned it with a  _ ‘give me a break’  _ look of his own. 

But he didn’t verbally answer, because he didn’t feel like it was right to lie right to her face. So, he stayed silent and hoped the look spoke for itself. 

Thankfully, it did the trick. Amanda shook her head and laughed, then walked around to settle at her own desk. 

* * *

Sonny attended Stevens’ arraignment the following week. He sat in the back of the courtroom, mostly because he was curious to see for himself how Rafael handled himself. He’d read about him in articles. He knew some of the high profile cases Rafael undertook in Brooklyn before he unexpectedly transferred over to Manhattan. But seeing him in person was a whole different story. 

Rafael stood straight, confidently in front of the judge as he spoke, “Your honor, the people request remand.” 

“The DA is overreaching,” the defense attorney—an older, black haired woman—said, sounding exasperated. “The only evidence linking my client to these crimes is circumstantial.” 

Rafael titled his head, “Except for the semen sample found on one of the victim’s sheets that matched the rapes in Virginia  _ and _ Idaho.” 

“Your honor, this is a case of he said-she said cooked up by a group of women who conspired to frame my client and extort him for money. He’s well-known within the community and is eager to clear his name. We request that he be released ROR.” 

“He’s accused of three rapes in Manhattan and four in three other cities. One, in which he was particularly violent and nearly killed the victim. He has no ties to the community and a private jet. Your honor—” Rafael scoffed, making a face at the judge that said it all. . 

“Matthew Stevens has a pregnant girlfriend with no intention to leave her behind,” the defense argued. 

Rafael looked straight at his opposition, “A pregnant woman whom he is accused of raping, brainwashing and keeping locked up in a basement can hardly be called a  _ girlfriend _ .” 

She balked, “A baseless accusation founded by the NYPD.” 

The judge held up his hand, motioning for them to stop before the discussion went further. “Save it for the trial, counselors. I’m granting the people’s request for remand.” He pounded his gavel. “Next case.” 

Rafael started shoving his papers back into his briefcase. 

Sonny started to get up, but he couldn’t leave quickly because someone was sitting beside him on the pew. Rafael was finished by the time Sonny managed to get out and slide to the walkway. When he did, Rafael was there, frozen as he’d been about to walk out. He looked up at Sonny and his eyes squinted as he took all of Sonny in. 

Sonny swallowed and willed himself not to run away as Rafael took the few steps forward until they were only about a foot apart. 

“Detective Carisi,” Rafael said, looking like he was more uncomfortable than he was letting on. Sonny could only tell because he knew Rafael. Even this one from sixteen years after they parted. Rafael had the same nervous tell that he had back when they were teens. It was all in his hand, whichever one didn’t have something to hold. In this instance it was his left hand, since his right was occupied by the briefcase. It clenched and his thumb rubbed over each knuckle. It was like he focused all of his nerves into that one place so that it didn’t show on his face. Sonny almost smiled, because it reminded him of all those years ago. 

“Hey,” Sonny managed after a second. 

Rafael motioned toward the door behind Sonny, since they couldn’t just stand in the middle of the arraignment court staring at each other. Sonny nodded and they walked out. 

In the hallway, they stopped outside the courtroom and turned to face each other. Rafael was just staring again and Sonny rubbed at the back of his neck as he felt it heating up. 

After a moment of that uncomfortable silence passed, Rafael spoke up, “You shaved.” 

Sonny looked right into Rafael’s eyes, then slowly smiled. “Yeah, I did,” he nodded. “Figured it was time for a change.” 

“Hmm,” Rafael nodded. His eyes trailed up and down Sonny, and Sonny wasn’t exactly sure what it meant. Not in this circumstance. If Rafael was just some guy at a bar, he would’ve used that as a cue to take things further. Get a number, or take the guy home. 

But now? He wasn’t exactly sure what to do with a look like that. Though he couldn’t deny that it felt good to see the appreciative gleam in Rafael’s eyes. 

Rafael cleared his throat, “It looks good.” He said it like it was no big deal, but Sonny felt the weight in it. 

“Thanks,” was all he could think to offer. 

Rafael looked away, eyes trailing to the other suits waiting around the courthouse. He opened his mouth, and Sonny could sense Rafael was about to come up with an excuse to get away. Sonny spoke up before Rafael had the chance. 

“You wanna grab a drink?” Sonny wasn’t even sure if  _ he _ wanted to grab a drink, but it was the best he could come up with. 

Besides, he was technically off duty. He’d only attended the hearing to see Rafael do his thing, but he didn’t have to go back to the precinct until the following day. 

He could see Rafael thinking it over, weighing his options. When he finally spoke, he said, “I have another hearing in an hour. I can meet you down at the tavern around six?” 

Sonny perked up a bit, “Okay,” he nodded. 

Rafael gave him a small smile. It was almost shy, and Sonny felt his chest warm up at the sight. “Okay,” Rafael said, nodding back. And then he turned and walked away, leaving Sonny in the hall to think about what the hell he was even doing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, this chapter is longer, and so will the next chapters to come. I hope you’re excited to see what happens next! Let me know what you think~ 
> 
> Until then :>
> 
> — Translations — 
> 
> “No me dejes” - “Don’t Leave me”


	6. Spring 2021 Part II

Sonny was anxious as he waited at the bar for Rafael to show up. He’d gotten there an hour early so he could get a couple drinks in him before the prosecutor showed up. 

He’d ordered beer at first, drank that, then decided to go with something stronger, so he went with a double shot of whiskey. He was nursing his second beer after that, and while blandly watching the baseball game on the screen above the bar he felt someone slide into the stool beside him. 

When he turned his head, he was both happy and nervous to see Rafael settling in there. 

He cleared his throat and placed his bottle down on the bar. “Hey,” Sonny said, wiping his palms on his pants. 

Rafael looked at him and gave him a half-smile. “Hey,” he said back, then raised a hand to get the bartender’s attention. When the woman walked over, towel over her shoulder and leaned against the bar to listen for his order, Rafael said, “Highland scotch. Double. Neat.” The woman gave him a slow nod. 

“Good tastes.” She turned to Sonny, “Want another one of those?” She pointed to his half-empty bottle of beer. Sonny nodded and drank down the rest of his in a few gulps. As the bartender went off to get their drinks, Sonny abandoned his empty bottle and turned so his body was mostly facing Rafael. 

“So you’re into hard liquor now?” Sonny asked, trying on a smile that felt mostly normal. 

Rafael snorted out a short laugh and rolled his eyes, “I’m a grown man, Sonny. It’s not like when we used to sneak your dad’s beers from your fridge.” 

Sonny froze a bit at the use of his nickname. Rafael didn’t seem to notice he’d used it. Sonny didn’t want to call attention to it though. He figured it might spoil the decent mood growing between them. 

After a second of shared silence, since Sonny had been too focused on Rafael saying  _ ‘Sonny’ _ to actually come up with a reply, Rafael turned to him and asked, “So, how’ve you been?” Just then, the bartender dropped their drinks off and Sonny had something to distract him for a bit before he answered. 

He drank down some of his beer, wiped his mouth with his thumb (he ignored the fact that he saw Rafael trace the movement) and answered, “Pretty good, I guess. I decided to become a cop.” 

Rafael laughed and nodded, “Yeah, I can see that. And I became a lawyer.” 

Sonny laughed along with him, “Right. A pretty good one, I hear?” 

“Just pretty good?” Rafael scoffed. “I’m insulted.” 

Sonny shrugged innocently and Rafael shoved him lightly. It made him laugh and he smothered the sound with another drink of his beer. 

This is bad. This was too easy. They fell right back into each other so comfortably. All of that underlying tension from before seemed to disappear. 

Well… not all of it. Most of it, at least. It was just too easy to talk to Rafael. Even now, the man didn’t seem to have changed a bit. 

Sonny ignored his thoughts and did his best to keep up the momentum. “Bella’s pregnant,” he said and waited to gage Rafael’s reaction. 

Rafael opened his eyes wide, then smiled brightly, “Really?” 

Sonny laughed, “Yep. Crazy, right?” 

“Wow,” Rafael took a sip of his scotch. “Last time I saw her, she was in pigtails.” 

“Now she’s a planet. You should see her walking around with that baby inside of her.” 

“I can’t even imagine,” Rafael said through a laugh, shaking his head. He took another sip, swallowed, then asked, “What about Fran and Dominick Sr.?” 

“Oh, you know,” Sonny rolled his eyes. “They’ll never change.” 

“But I heard your mom finally opened up a bakery. You know, after the one by your house closed down,” he had a mischievous look in his eyes. 

“Did you?” Sonny leaned forward, and Rafael’s smile was growing. 

“I may have stopped by and tried one of her panettones,” he said simply with a shrug. 

“Ah, I knew it,” Sonny pointed at his face. “You could never resist my ma’s cooking.” 

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Still not better than my abuelita’s medianoches.” 

Sonny nodded slowly and settled his hand back around his beer bottle. “I’ll give you that. You know, I always thought your grandma should open up a shop of her own.” 

“Mm,” Rafael nodded, then became a bit quiet. He looked nostalgic now; almost melancholy. 

Sonny frowned, “You okay?” He drank down more of his beer while he waited for an answer. 

“Yeah,” Rafael said, then gave Sonny a sad smile. “She passed a few months back.” 

“Oh,” Sonny looked down. That sort of hurt to know. He’d grown pretty close to the woman himself, but after Rafael left Staten Island, Sonny hadn’t seen much of her. He’d dropped by a few times while Rafael was at Harvard, but after a while, he’d stopped visiting. 

“I know you used to go see her,” Rafael said, like he was reading Sonny’s thoughts. “That was nice of you.” 

Sonny smiled and shook his head, “Nah, it was my pleasure. She was a good woman.” 

“Yes she was,” Rafael agreed, then took a long drink of his scotch, nearly draining it. 

“What about mami Lucia? How’s she doing?” Sonny said, trying to pick up the earlier mood and seemingly succeeding, if Rafael’s smile was anything to go by. 

“I can’t believe you’re still calling her that,” Rafael said through an exaggerated sigh. 

“She told me to!” Sonny argued and Rafael just shook his head. 

“She’s good. Retired from nursing. Now she’s a teacher,” Rafael said. 

“Guess she needed to stay busy, huh?” 

“Yeah. But I think she just wanted an excuse to boss someone around. Now she’s got twenty kids to torment.” 

“Ah,” Sonny shook his head, still smiling. “Don’t say that. Your mom was a saint.” 

Rafael deadpanned, “Yeah. To you.” 

Sonny scoffed, “As if my parents didn’t worship you.” 

“Are you implying I’m not worship worthy?” Rafael gave him a look through his lashes. And even though he was just playing, Sonny felt his stomach knot up at the sight. 

He cleared his throat, “I’d never.” 

Rafael scoffed and shook his head, then drank the rest of his scotch. 

They fell quiet after that. The weight from earlier was returning as the easy atmosphere they’d created dissipated. Sonny decided to finish off his beer, then stared down at the bottle, rather than continue to eye the way Rafael was staring into his own empty glass. 

The bartender came back. “Another?” She asked them. 

“Please,” they both responded. She laughed and the two of them looked up at each other while she went away. 

They slowly smiled, and then Sonny was the one who spoke next. Scratching his index finger against his temple, he said, “It really is nice to see you… after all this time.” 

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded. “It is.”

They were just staring at each other again when the bartender came back with their drinks. It gave them a reason to look away. Sonny suddenly felt the need to drink down half of his bottle. He didn’t feel too bad about it when he noticed Rafael did the same to his own drink. 

When they set their drinks down again, Rafael said, “You wanna… take this back to my place? We can catch up more, reminisce on the good times, that sort of thing.” 

“Yeah,” Sonny said, maybe too quickly. He closed his eyes for a second, and slowly smiled when he opened them back up, “I mean, yes. Yeah, that would be great.” 

When they finished their drinks, Rafael offered to pay the tab, and before Sonny could properly refute, it had already been done. 

They walked out of the tavern onto the street. The sun was down now. Sonny offered to call them an Uber, and it only took three minutes for one to pull up on the curb. 

The ride to Rafael’s place was mostly silent. Sonny felt nervous and he wasn’t even sure why. They were just going to talk, catch up. It wasn’t anything crazy. But now he was overthinking this decision, wondering if it was the smart thing to do. His mother had always said he was too quick to act before properly thinking about the potential repercussions of his actions. To top it all off, he was feeling a bit tipsy. He wasn’t close to being too drunk to function, but he was definitely feeling the alcohol in his system. 

But here he was, riding downtown toward an expensive highrise on the Upper Eastside of Manhattan. 

They got out of the car once it pulled up outside of the building. Sonny followed Rafael through the doors, past the desk clerk who waved at Rafael, to the elevators. 

“I live on the tenth floor,” Rafael said, and Sonny knew it was just something to say to fill the silence. 

They got into the elevator and went up. The lift seemed to take forever, and the walk down the hallway to Rafael’s door seemed to take even longer. 

He waited as Rafael stopped at the door and fiddled with his keys. He looked down to see what was taking so long now, and noticed that Rafael’s hand was shaking. 

Sonny looked away, and a second later, Rafael got the key in. 

Rafael opened the door, stepped inside, and held it open for Sonny to enter. Once inside, he let his eyes roam around the spacious penthouse. The large bookshelves on one side, the floor to wall windows on another. The large TV and leather sectional, the kitchen that was all stainless steel framing a double-door fridge—one of those fancy ones with the screen on the door. It was all woods and silvers and blacks. Sleek furniture and large pieces of art were everywhere. Sonny was almost embarrassed to think about Rafael ever stepping foot in his apartment on Fifth Avenue. 

“Nice place,” Sonny said, downplaying it a bit. 

Rafael could tell, but he didn’t say anything. He just gave Sonny that look that said he knew Sonny was pretending to be less impressed than he was. But instead of commenting on it, Rafael walked into the kitchen. He pulled off his jacket and tossed it over a stool as he went. He was rolling up his sleeves when he got to a cabinet Sonny assumed held the booze or the glasses they’d be using to drink said booze. 

Once his sleeves were up to his elbows, Rafael reached into the cabinet and pulled out two glasses. He sat them on the counter, then bent down to grab a bottle of liquor. Sonny assumed it was scotch or whiskey based on the rich brown color, but he couldn’t tell from this distance. As Rafael poured the drinks, Sonny walked over and sat on the couch. He removed his own jacket and tossed it over the back of the couch, then rolled up his own sleeves to get comfortable. 

Rafael walked over with the glasses and sat them on the glass coffee table, then took a seat next to Sonny. He didn’t sit too close, but he was close enough for it to feel personal. Sonny reached for his glass and downed a considerable amount of it. 

Rafael smiled as he took a sip from his own glass. Sonny peeked over at him, snorted into his glass, then asked, “What?” 

“I was just thinking that you haven’t changed,” Rafael said. 

Sonny drank the rest of his liquor down, then sat the glass onto the table. “That’s not true,” he shook his head with the words. “I used to puke after one glass of hard liquor.” 

Rafael tilted his head, “I’m not talking about your tolerance for alcohol.” 

Sonny gave him a look, but couldn’t find anything to say to that. Instead, he got up and walked over to grab the bottle of… macallan? 

Sonny squinted at the bottle’s label as he carried it over, “How expensive is this stuff? 

Rafael chuckled and shook his head, “You don’t want to know.” 

“I’m sure I don’t,” Sonny said as he poured himself another glass. He should stop now, because he was teetering a little too close to drunk after that last drink and the way he downed it. He’d have to at least slow down. He could tell he’d had a bit too much when he had to concentrate hard on pouring the liquor into the glass and not on the table. 

He closed the bottle and sat it down, then took a tentative sip of his drink. When he was done, he realized Rafael had been staring at him that whole time. 

“What now?” He asked with a smile. 

Rafael smiled back. “Te extrañé.” 

“Hm,” Sonny hummed coolly, though his cheeks were undoubtedly warm from the words. “You can’t fool me with your Spanish anymore.” 

“Oh?” Rafael took a long drink of his scotch. 

“Yep,” Sonny drank a bit more, then decided he’d stop for now. He could already feel himself loosening up a bit more than what came naturally. “I’m nearly fluent now.” 

“¿En serio?”

“Sí. Yo también te extrañé.” 

Sonny couldn’t help the grin on his face as he watched Rafael flush from his words. So much so, that Rafael had drank down the rest of his scotch instead of pressing Sonny further. 

When Rafael finished it, he sat the glass to the side and said, “Color me impressed.” 

Sonny cleared his throat and loosened his tie, because he felt the temperature rising in the room. He decided to change the subject. “You know I’m at Fordham Law now. Night school.” 

Rafael’s eyes widened, “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Sonny nodded. “I still have that book you lent me. The Introverted Lawyer.” 

Rafael chuckled, “God, I forgot about that. You never did give that back to me.” 

“You didn’t really give me a chance to.” Sonny hadn’t meant to say that. It had just come out, and now Rafael looked like he’d been splashed with cold water. “Sorry,” he quickly amended. “I, uh, that’s not what I—.” 

“No,” Rafael stopped him. “It’s okay. I deserved that.” 

“It’s been years. It’s not like I’ve been holding a grudge,” that was sort of true, at least. 

“Still,” Rafael swallowed thickly. “I shouldn’t have ended things like that.” 

“We were kids,” Sonny shrugged, like it was no big deal. Even though it kinda was. 

Rafael gave him a look like he knew that too. 

When the room fell silent this time, Sonny’s nerves got the best of him. He grabbed his drink and finished it off, then sat the glass down beside Rafael’s. 

Now, he was really feeling it. His body felt a bit tingly from the alcohol and his mouth was dry. He licked his lips and shifted a bit closer to Rafael before he spoke. “Look,” he started. “I get why you did what you did.” Rafael slowly looked up into his eyes. “It sucked… I mean, it  _ really _ sucked.” He let out a mirthless laugh. “But, I get it. I’m just glad we were able to spend all that time together before you…” he stopped himself there. 

Rafael nodded, looking deep into Sonny’s eyes now. 

“But, that was in the past, right? Now you’re here and I’m… here, and we’re working together. It’s good. This, you know, us. We’re good,” he said, and his words were getting a little sloppy, no matter how hard he focused on speaking clearly. 

“Yeah,” Rafael said, sounding a bit dazed. He must be a little drunk himself. Two doubles at the bar and a full glass here? He had to be feeling a bit tipsy too. 

“I just… God,” Sonny paused to scrub a hand over his face. “I just really missed you,” he said, dropping his hand down into his lap. 

Rafael didn’t waste any time after that. He grabbed Sonny’s face with both of his hands and leaned forward. 

Sonny met him halfway and sealed their lips together. 

Jesus… It was just like all those years ago. It felt exactly the same. Rafael hadn’t changed a bit. The way he tilted his head into it, how he was soft but aggressive at the same time. How he opened his mouth almost immediately to let Sonny roll his tongue inside. 

They broke apart after seconds. Rafael looked into his eyes as they rested their foreheads together. Then they both closed their eyes and just breathed. It felt equal in parts perfect and wrong. Like this was something they shouldn’t be doing, but that it was the only thing that made sense. 

“Te deseo,” Rafael said through a breath, and they slowly opened their eyes again. “Now,” he urged. 

Sonny wasn’t truly thinking straight, because this was a slippery slope to go down. But instead of calling it a night, instead of refusing to oblige, he grabbed Rafael’s hands and dragged him up off the couch. 

Rafael took the lead after that, pulling Sonny along until they got to his room. It was equally as big and spacious as the rest of the place, but Sonny was too dazed to really appreciate it. All he could see was the king sized bed waiting for them. 

Rafael pulled until they reached it, and when they did, he turned and pushed Sonny onto the mattress. 

Sonny was already working on taking off his shirt while Rafael removed his shoes and worked on his belt, slipping it out of the loops and tossing it on the floor. Once Sonny was able to toss the fabric, he reached forward and grabbed Rafael by the hips and dragged him closer. He undid the buttons on Rafael’s shirt until he could open it completely, then mouthed at the tanned stomach, leaving a trail of kisses while he started pulling down the zipper of Rafael’s trousers. 

Rafael’s hands were in Sonny’s hair now, fingers threading through locks and pulling softly, making Sonny hiss as he nipped at Rafael’s hipbone. 

Sonny had mastered the art of multitasking in bed. Even while being mildly intoxicated. He focused his mouth on biting and licking at the exposed skin of Rafael’s torso and used his hands to push down Rafael’s pants and boxers until he was able to successfully kick the articles of clothing aside. 

Rafael was beautiful like this. He stood between Sonny’s legs with his eyes closed, mouth slightly open and his hands in Sonny’s hair, gripping his shoulders, on his neck. 

Meanwhile, Sonny ran his hands up Rafael’s naked thighs until they reached his ass. He squeezed hard with both hands, groaning at the feeling, relishing in it for a long moment before he moved his right hand around to grab Rafael’s cock at the base. 

Rafael hissed, then let out something close to a whimper. Sonny closed his mouth around Rafael without hesitation, sucking him in as he pulled him forward with the one hand still gripping Rafael’s ass. He hollowed his cheeks and filled his mouth until the head of Rafael’s dick rubbed the back of his throat. He swallowed. 

Rafael gasped and bent forward. His legs were getting shaky, but Sonny maintained a strong grip on him. He wouldn’t let Rafael fall. 

“Oh, God, Sonny,” Rafael said in a strangled voice, then opened his mouth and moaned deeply at the way Sonny was bobbing his head. 

He was relentless, nearly fucking his own mouth with the way he forced Rafael deep in his throat. Both of his hands were back on Rafael’s ass and he squeezed and pulled Rafael close. He slurped around Rafael’s cock, sucked and licked at the head, ran his tongue along the base and up the shaft… 

“Sonny, please,” Rafael fisted Sonny’s hair and pulled him off, forcing him to stop. 

Sonny looked up, eyes glazed over as they peered into Rafael’s equally hazy green ones. 

“Demasiado,” Rafael chided, then rubbed softly at Sonny’s cheek with his thumb. He leaned forward and kissed Sonny. Their mouths opened against each other as Rafael climbed into Sonny’s lap. He still had his work pants on, but with Rafael naked on top of him, his bulge was prominent enough for both of them to feel it. 

He leaned all the way back, taking Rafael with him with their lips attached and their hands roaming. He laid back on the bed, chest to chest, and he rubbed up Rafael’s back as they allowed a moment to lose themselves in this feeling. 

After a while of just kissing and touching and licking and biting, Rafael got up abruptly and turned to dig into his nightstand. Sonny started undoing his pants and just managed to pull them down his hips, releasing his cock from its restraints and letting it hit the cool air. He’d only gotten that far when Rafael was back, climbing on top of him with a condom and a bottle of lube in hand. He hadn’t even bothered to pull Sonny’s pants all the way off when he settled there, moaning at how their cocks slid together as he got in place. 

Sonny reached a hand down and gripped around both of them, then slowly stroked up and down as Rafael uncapped the bottle. For a second, Rafael froze, shuttering at the treatment Sonny was giving him. 

Sonny grinned, “Lubricant in your nightstand? Kinda tacky for you,” he joked.

Rafael did his best to glare at the comment, but he was flushed and red and breathing hard. It looked anything but menacing. “You should be grateful I was prepared.” 

“Grateful, huh?” Sonny said, but then bit his bottom lip because the stroking felt good. Really good. 

Rafael rolled his hips with it while pouring the lube into one hand. He put the bottle aside and leaned forward, reaching a hand back as he distracted Sonny with an open-mouth kiss. Sonny could tell Rafael had started preparing himself by the way he bit Sonny’s lower lip and hissed. He relaxed his muscles after a second, using Sonny’s mouth and his hand around their cocks to soothe him as he stretched himself open. Sonny kept one hand pumping slowly while his other gripped at the back of Rafael’s neck. He rubbed his thumb there, letting it graze against Rafael’s hair as he kissed him deeper. His tongue rolled and dipped in and out of Rafael’s mouth, and Rafael returned the favor with matching enthusiasm. 

When Rafael was done, his hand came back around and he used both to push himself up and away from Sonny’s lips. Sonny wanted to grab him; to keep him there, but he couldn’t argue when Rafael sat up and expertly rolled the condom onto Sonny. Then, he positioned himself right over Sonny’s cock. And soon enough, he sunk down, slowly filling himself, and Sonny felt like he was close to blacking out. 

It hadn’t been too long since the last time he’d had sex. Maybe a month. But out of everyone—out of all the people he’d taken to bed, out of all the guys who had done the very same thing—nothing quite compared to this. He forced himself not to close his eyes from the intense pleasure. The heat that wrapped around him and sucked him in. He forced himself to keep them open so he could see the way Rafael’s mouth fell open, how his eyes were half-lidded and filled with want. He grit his teeth and grabbed at Rafael’s hips, steadying them. 

Rafael paused once he was fully seated in Sonny’s lap. He sat like that, giving himself time to recover and adjust to the feeling. Sonny did his best not to move his hips, despite how much he wanted to. But, he did squirm. He couldn’t help it. He wanted nothing more than to lift Rafael up and pull him back down. 

Luckily, it didn’t take very long for Rafael to get used to the feeling. Sonny didn’t want to think about what that meant, or how ridiculous it was to be retroactively jealous over who was previously allowed to see Rafael like this. How he was so completely undone, how he was just giving all of himself over. Sonny couldn’t think about it, because Rafael was moving. His back was arched and he had one hand on Sonny’s chest and the other behind him gripping Sonny’s thigh. He used them as leverage to keep himself steady while he worked Sonny’s cock in and out of him.

Sonny was mesmerized at first. Stricken by how beautiful Rafael looked as he used Sonny’s body, laid out and pliant, to find his own prostate and direct Sonny’s dick right to that spot. How he hissed and moaned while he rocked his hips, and even more so when Sonny sharply thrusted upward, filling Rafael roughly, forcing him to take all of Sonny in before pulling out again. 

“God, Rafael, I—,” Sonny was trying to speak, grabbing Rafael’s hips tighter, digging his fingers into the skin there. “Fuck, it feels so good. You feel so fucking good,” he whimpered, pumping his hips harder, but keeping a steady pace. 

“Yeah?” Rafael said, sounding breathless. He rolled his hips and moaned at the feelings, nearly collapsing against Sonny when he shifted at a near-perfect angle. “That’s good. Right there,” Rafael whispered desperately as he increased his speed. 

He placed both of his hands on Sonny’s shoulders, just as Sonny had started to sit up. He wrapped his hands around Rafael’s waist, squeezing tightly. Their chests were flushed together, and their lips found each other. Rafael’s arms wrapped tightly around Sonny’s shoulders and their rhythm didn’t even falter. Sonny kissed him hungrily, hands roaming down Rafael’s back to his ass. He squeezed there and used that grip to steady Rafael as he began thrusting his hips harder. 

Rafael’s head shot back and he let out a guttural sound, ripped from his chest and out his throat. Sonny felt his nerves spark at the sound, loving that he was able to elicit such a reaction, even within the hazy confines of his mind. He craned his neck and sucked at the skin beneath Rafael’s ear. He never let loose on his thrusting. He kept that same pace, climbing to a faster speed as he took Rafael closer to the edge. 

And Rafael, looking completely fucked out of his mind as he bounced in Sonny’s lap, had his mouth hanging open, his eyes were lost and his body was shaking each time the head of Sonny’s cock pushed straight into his prostate, striking him head on, with strong purposeful thrusts. It helped that his own cock was flush between them, gaining friction with the position, rubbing up and down Sonny’s abdomen with each movement. 

“Fuck, Sonny, oh God,” Rafael was gasping. 

“Yeah, that’s it baby,” Sonny said, sounding breathless himself as he mouthed at Rafael’s neck. “That’s it. That’s it. Come on,” he urged Rafael, and his movements were getting faster, more erratic now. 

One of his hands remained around Rafael’s waist, while the other found its way to his hair. He buried his fingers deep within the chocolate brown curls. Rafael’s hands both went up to grip Sonny’s hair, and they melted together in a searing kiss. It was all tongue. There was less finesse in it, and more so desperation and need. 

With a particularly sharp thrust, Rafael’s body started shaking. It was like a tremor coursing through him. And as it ripped through, it left Rafael moaning deeply against Sonny’s mouth. And then he tensed around Sonny’s cock while his own seized and pumped and spilled out in between them. 

God, if there was ever anything more perfect than this… 

Feeling Rafael gasping through his orgasm, into Sonny’s mouth, while his body shook and trembled through it, while he clamped around Sonny’s dick like his life depended on it… It was too much to take. 

Sonny pulled his lips away and threw his head back while his own balls tightened, signaling the start of his orgasm. 

And then he felt a wave of pleasure rip through him, forcing his cock to jump and twitch while his seed spilled out into the condom. Rafael was with him the whole way through it, rocking gently as he eased Sonny along. 

Once he felt the last bits of come pulsing out, leaving him feeling weak and overly sensitive, Sonny collapsed back onto the bed. 

Rafael pushed himself up so that Sonny’s half-hard cock would slide out of him. He rolled over and settled next to Sonny on the bed. 

They looked at each other, still dazed and half drunk. Sonny didn’t know what to say, or if he was even capable of words. 

Instead of tempting it, he busied himself with pulling off the condom and tying it off. There was a trash can in the corner of the bedroom, so Sonny rolled off the bed. He had to pull his pants the rest of the way down, and once his legs were free, he kicked his boxers and pants to the side and walked over to the trash. Once the condom was properly disposed of, Sonny turned back to see that Rafael had crawled his way under the sheets and was fully intent on passing out. 

Sonny, still a little out of it for more reasons than one, just walked over and climbed into the bed next to him. There was no way he’d be able to make it home anyway. 

He figured he would deal with whatever feelings arose tomorrow. For now, he would sleep next to the man he’d always loved, and hope that he didn’t regret this as much as he knew he would in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, things are getting stickier for these two~ (Honestly, I made that joke in my head, and it was equally nasty and funny lol) I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Another will be posted soon :> Let me know what you think, and thank you all for reading and supporting this fic with your lovely comments and kudos <3
> 
> — Translations — 
> 
> “Te extrañé” - “I missed you”
> 
> “¿En serio?” - “Seriously?” 
> 
> “Sí. Yo también te extrañé” - “Yes. I missed you too”
> 
> “Te deseo” - (In this context) “I want you” 
> 
> “Demasiado” - (In this context) “Too much”


	7. Spring 2021 Part III

The noise of a persistent alarm clock woke Sonny up the next day. He was groggy as he opened his eyes and peered around the vaguely familiar room. He tampered down on his mild panic when he realized he definitely hadn’t woken up in his own room and focused on trying to remember exactly where he was and why. 

He squinted at the light pouring in through the large windows on the left side of the room. The curtains did nothing to keep the rising sun out. He covered his eyes with the back of his hand and turned his head to the other side.

His eyes widened.

Memories from the night before were coming back, and it reminded him of why he was experiencing a mild headache, and why he was naked underneath the expensive sheets on top of him. 

And why Rafael Barba was laying beside him, on his side facing Sonny as his own eyes slowly opened at the sound of the alarm.

Rafael looked at Sonny for a second once he’d taken in his surroundings, but he didn’t immediately react. He turned over and switched off his alarm, then laid on his back staring up at the ceiling. 

Sonny blew out a heavy breath and ran his hand through his messy hair. Rafael’s was the same, strewn and all over his face from how Sonny had pulled it the night before. God, Rafael looked incredible. But just the thought of that brought the regret and fear Sonny felt over his previous actions up to the surface. 

Sonny sat up, peeking at the alarm clock. It read 7 a.m. He had an hour before he needed to be at the precinct. He wouldn’t be able to go home and change, get clean and make it to work in time. 

He rubbed his hand over his face, groaned, then dropped his hand by his side. 

“This was a mistake,” Sonny whispered to himself. He hadn’t really meant to say it out loud, and when he did, he noticed Rafael flinch beside him. 

“I know,” Rafael said, and Sonny slowly turned his head to face him. Those green eyes were staring right back. “But it doesn’t have to be,” Rafael added, his voice softer now. 

Sonny rubbed at his eyes with his thumb and his forefinger. He was feeling agitated now. It was mostly toward himself than at Rafael, but he could feel himself prepping to take it out on the other man. He never should have invited Rafael out. He shouldn’t have accepted the invitation to come back to his place. He shouldn’t have pounded his drinks back like he was still in his twenties. And he damn sure shouldn’t have let that kiss turn into the two of them waking up together naked and disoriented. 

They wouldn’t be able to do this. Their situation was even worse now than when they were younger. But Sonny had been selfish and had wanted Rafael so badly, even before the thought became conscious in his mind again. He’d fallen into bed because it was easy to just get what he wanted. And Rafael had been so amazing. He’d been everything Sonny was afraid of imagining. Their childhood excursions were nothing in comparison to what they did last night. To how they fit together and stepped right into a rhythm that came frighteningly natural to them. 

But they weren’t kids anymore. They were colleagues, working on cases that affected people’s lives. They couldn’t just... be together. And even if they could, Sonny didn’t know if he’d fully gotten over the first time things had ended between them. 

No... he knew he hadn’t. He may have acted like he wasn’t the slightest bit bitter. Even last night, he’d tried to appear as though the way Rafael had ended things could be pushed under a rug. But no. In this moment, lying in bed with someone Sonny long considered to be the love of his life, it was more apparent than ever. 

“No,” Sonny said, then rolled over and got out of bed. Rafael didn’t look away, and Sonny was too frazzled to think about the fact that he was completely naked, aside from the socks he’d forgotten to take off. 

He scooped up his boxers and slid them on while Rafael watched from the bed, propped on his side with his elbow. 

“That was...” Sonny paused as he picked up his pants next. He held a hand out as he searched for the right words. “Last night... It wasn’t right. It was—we were just,” he huffed as he dropped his hand back by his side. He couldn’t think straight. He roughly shoved his legs into his pants, and Rafael sat up completely. The sheets pulled around his hips and he was there with his naked torso and his arms on his knees. His hair really was a mess too. Sonny hated how much he wanted to lean over and kiss the pout off his lips.

He needed to get out of there.

“It wouldn’t be the same,” Rafael said just as Sonny found his belt and threaded it through the loops on his pants. 

“I didn’t say it would be,” Sonny said and bent down and grabbed his shirt. It was full of wrinkles. He hoped nobody at the precinct would notice. Or notice that he would be coming in with the same clothes on as the day before. “But, it’s too complicated, Rafi. And you and me,” he gestured a hand between the two of them. “We don’t do complicated well. This,” he pointed at the bed. “This was complicated.” 

He pulled his arms through his shirt and started buttoning it up. But he stopped midway, finding that he had more to say. 

“You know, what we had back then? It was way too intense. You were my whole world. I would’ve done anything for you. I can’t deal with that right now,” Sonny said, and the words felt desperate as they left his lips. 

“We were young,” Rafael reasoned weakly. 

“Yes! I know. We were both young and ignorant and way in over our heads.”

“I just...” Rafael paused, looking calm despite the way his hands were shaking. “This doesn’t have to be a big deal,” he reasoned. 

“Of course it does!” Sonny started pacing. He waved his hands wildly as he spoke, “Do you get how messed up I was after you left?”

“You don’t think I felt that too!” Rafael finally snapped. It wasn’t loud enough to really be considered yelling, but it was close. Sonny paused in his pacing to give him a leveling look. 

Sonny waved his hand at him, “Well, did you?” He asked, then placed his hands on his hips while he waited for an answer. He didn’t know it before, but it seemed like the answer to that question was so important now. He’d never fully known if Rafael was even half as affected by his leaving as Sonny had been. 

Rafael let out a humorless laugh and shook his head, “You have no idea how hard it was for me to leave you.” 

“But you did it anyway.”

“Yes! Because it would’ve been crazy for me not to. You were all I could think about. How the hell was I supposed to handle that while being miles away—in another state—studying fucking law at Harvard. I couldn’t risk failing!”

“Who said you would’ve failed?” Sonny said with a shrug, because he didn’t get it. He’d never understood why they couldn’t at least stay in touch. Why they couldn’t be together even with the distance between them. Why Rafael had thought cutting all ties was the only thing to do. 

And now, after last night, Sonny felt even worse. It wasn’t just that they’d had sex, but it was that the sex was so incredible. It was everything he’d been missing. It was all of the feelings he’d stored away brought back up to the surface. 

Rafael pulled his fingers through his hair and sighed deeply. His demeanor changed a bit, somber now, as he spoke, “You know,” he chuckled. “I told mami I wanted to take a break before going off to college. I said I wanted to wait. Maybe work. Just until you graduated.”

Sonny’s eyes widened. He wanted to interject, but Rafael wouldn’t let him. 

“I knew I was being childish. But, staying in Staten Island with you, working at some deli or McDonald’s... I was willing to do it.” He shrugged, sighing again like he was releasing a heavy weight. “It was just a fantasy. Mi mamá me llamó loco. I would be throwing two years of my life away for a high school love. I had to think practically.”

“And that meant throwing me away?” Sonny said, softly, through a breath. 

“That meant giving up the one person I loved too much for my own good.” 

Sonny felt his chest stricken just before his heart started pounding a heavy rhythm against his rib cage. He wanted to say something. Anything. But he couldn’t find the right words, or get them in a cohesive order in his brain. 

Rafael smiled sadly after a stifling few seconds of silence. When Sonny didn’t speak, rendered practically mute, Rafael motioned toward the door. “You should go.”

“Yeah,” Sonny said quickly, like Rafael’s words kick-started his brain back to functioning. 

He needed to digest what Rafael had said and he needed to get out of this space before he did something stupid. 

“I’ll uh... see you later, I guess,” Sonny said, then winced at his words. It came out so strange, it only added to the uncomfortable atmosphere. 

Rafael just nodded and turned away, leaving Sonny to make his way out the door. 

He buttoned up his shirt the rest of the way, slipped on his shoes and did just that. 

  
  


* * *

When Sonny got to the squad room, he shuffled in and sat at his desk without much of a greeting. Not like usual. Most days he’d have something to say to Amanda or Fin, or he’d bring food for his team to share. Today? He just wanted to work and distract himself from thoughts of last night and the sort-of-argument with Rafael that morning. He didn’t want to think about how hurt Rafael looked, as if the strain between them was at all Sonny’s fault. Even worse, he didn’t want to think about last night when Rafael had clung to him, spilling out between them while Sonny pumped his hips relentlessly—

“Hey,” Amanda said from her desk. She’d been typing something on her laptop when he entered, but was now staring at him, hands frozen above her keyboard. 

“Yeah?” Sonny asked, rubbing tiredly over his eyebrows.

“You, uh,” she eyed him. “You wore that yesterday, didn’t you?” She nodded up at him. 

Sonny felt himself flush and quickly looked away. He cleared his throat, “Maybe. I dunno.” 

Amanda’s mouth turned upward. “Right,” she drawled.

When Sonny looked down at the documents on his desk, but was clearly not reading anything, Amanda just continued to stare. 

Finally, she spoke up again, “You wanna get a snack with me?” 

Sonny looked up at her, having quickly become lost in thought again, he’d barely caught what she’d said. “Huh? Oh, no. I’m good.” 

Amanda just gave him a look. 

Sonny sighed and nodded, “Alright, fine.” He got up and she followed after him, walking around the main area toward the open room with the vending machines and coffee. He turned once they were inside and crossed his arms. 

“What’s up?” He asked, because Amanda was obviously not interested in getting something to eat. She had her hands on her hips and a look in her eyes like she was trying to read him. 

“You showered here, didn’t you?” she asked, and Sonny stepped back a bit.

“What are you talking about?” he said with a scoff, despite the actual confusion he felt. How the hell did she know that he showered at the precinct? 

She walked up close and sniffed at him, with a complete lack of shame.

“You smell like that cheap shampoo. Like mint and coconut,” she said with a nod. “And you definitely wore that yesterday. Look at all those wrinkles,” she waved her hand about, pointing out places where his shirt looked particularly haggard. 

Sonny rolled his eyes and gave an overly exaggerated shrugged, “Okay, so what? So I showered here. And yeah, I’m recycling my wardrobe.” 

Amanda stepped closer. When she spoke, her voice was low, “What happened?”

Sonny looked into her bright blue eyes. He didn’t really want to rehash this now, but at the same time he felt like he was dying to get it off his chest. And yet, apparently, Amanda knew him far too well by now. Because just this little staring contest was enough for her to read him thoroughly. 

She gasped and stepped back. Her hand came up to cover her mouth. “Oh, my God...” she pointed at him. “You slept with Barba, didn’t you?” 

Sonny cursed under his breath and looked away. He could feel his cheeks turning red. 

“You did!” She said, then started laughing in a ‘ho ho ho’ sort of way. “Oh God, what happened? How?” 

Sonny shook his head, “It’s not like that. We both had too much to drink, and...” he sighed instead of finishing.

Amanda deflated a bit, “What?”

Sonny gave her a look. 

Amanda sucked in a breath and slowly nodded, “Ah, okay. So, what? You slept with him and you’re just gonna leave it alone?” 

Sonny scoffed, “I haven’t really thought that far.” 

“I bet,” Amanda said, rolling her eyes. “I mean, you can’t exactly tell Liv, you know? Not with the whole disclosure thing, and…” 

“No. No, it was a one time thing,” Sonny waved his hand, diffusing whatever Amanda was planning to say next. 

“I don’t get it,” she said flatly. 

Sonny shrugged, “It’s just not right, you know? We can’t just pick up where we left off and we’re… I don’t know,” he sighed and walked over to the coffee machine. If they were going to have this conversation, he might as well get some caffeine in him while they were at it. “We’re not exactly in a good position to start something,” he said while the coffee began brewing. He turned away from the machine and leaned back against the counter while it worked. He continued, “And we can’t go back to where we left off either.” 

“Which is… where exactly? I mean, you told me you two used to date, right? But, did something happen back then?” Amanda walked over and leaned back against the counter beside him. She was looking right at Sonny, zeroing in on him. “I’m all ears.” 

Sonny hung his head and rubbed his fingers against his forehead. “It’s just…” he sighed and looked up. “He left, you know?” He looked over at Amanda next, and she was still staring, fully intent on hearing him out. “He left and I kinda shut down.” 

The coffee finished, so he turned around and pulled out a to-go cup. He poured the coffee in and Amanda pulled out her own cup, setting it beside his. He smiled weakly at her, then filled her cup as well. 

He put the half-empty pot of coffee back, then resumed his position with his back against the counter, this time sipping slowly at the hot coffee. 

“So,” Amanda said after her own sip. “He broke your heart?” She looked at him and Sonny slowly returned the look. 

He’d never really admitted that out loud to anyone else, but it was true. Rafael didn’t just break his heart. He ripped it out, threw it in a garbage disposal and shredded it to tiny, microscopic pieces. It wasn’t like Sonny could just bounce back and forget about all the pain that came along with loving Rafael in the past. 

“Yeah,” Sonny answered after a while. “He broke my heart,” he confirmed. 

Amanda nodded slowly and let out a long sigh. “Well,” she gave him another look, then pushed off the counter. “You definitely shouldn’t have slept with him.” 

Sonny gave a dramatic roll of his eyes, “No shit.” 

Amanda grinned, then shook her head. “You’re a mess, you know that?” Sonny pushed off the counter and walked along with her back into the squad room. Fin looked up from where he stood at his desk as they came back. 

“We got a call about a teenage girl found unconscious and bleeding behind a restaurant up Seventh Avenue. Carisi, you riding with me,” Fin said, and Sonny drained a bit more of his coffee before he abandoned it at the desk. 

“Alright,” Sonny nodded. 

Fin looked to Amanda, “Liv’s at the hospital with the vic. You good?” 

“On it,” Amanda answered with a nod. They went their separate ways after that. And despite the gruesome nature of the crime, Sonny was glad to have something to immerse himself into. It helped push the thoughts of Rafael out of his head. At least for now.

* * *

“Detective Carisi, can we... talk for a second?” 

Sonny looked up from his desk, shocked to see Rafael standing there wearing one of his expensive bespoke suits and fancy ties. 

He hadn’t seen Rafael in almost three weeks. It wasn't very surprising, given that he’d been working the case of the girl, Emily Hart, found bleeding outside of that restaurant. This was Rafael’s first time here since they’d slept together. He’d just finished the suspect line up with Liv. Sonny hadn’t exactly been avoiding Rafael since he came in, but he also hadn’t gone out of his way to be noticed.

He’d sort of assumed Rafael would come in, speak with the lieu, then be on his way. 

So yeah, him standing over Sonny’s desk asking to talk was a bit of a shock. 

“Uh,” Sonny opened his mouth like he wanted to say more, but he couldn’t decide if this talk would be in his best interests. 

Amanda cleared her throat from her desk, obviously having been watching his uncomfortable reaction.

Sonny jumped a little and looked over at her. She gave him a pointed look and he shooed at her to stop eavesdropping. 

When he looked up again, Rafael seemed increasingly agitated, but mostly composed. He was bouncing on one foot and his arms were pinned to his side. He was nervous.

Sonny sighed and nodded, “Yeah, sure.” He stood up, then swooped his hand in the direction of one of the meeting rooms. “Right this way, counselor.” 

They walked the short distance into the room and Sonny closed the door behind them. 

Rafael turned on his heel and looked up at Sonny with a determination in his eyes.

“Look, about what happened the other night...”

Sonny held up a hand to stop him, “We don’t have to talk about that, Barba.”

Rafael tilted his head and glared, “Will you let me speak?”

Sonny paused for a second, then held his hands up in compliance and gestured for Rafael to continue. 

“Okay,” Rafael let out a breath. “About the other night. I thought about it, and you were right.”

“I was?” Sonny jolted back, because that was not at all what he’d been expecting.

To be honest, he wasn’t really sure what to expect in the first place, but it wasn’t that.

“Yes, “ Rafael continued. “We shouldn’t have slept together. It just made things confusing and brought up old... bad feelings. And I wanted to apologize because, if I’m being honest, I played a big part in that. So, I’m sorry.”

“No,” Sonny shook his head and waved off the confession with one of his hands. “Come on, Rafael. It’s not like you took advantage of me, okay? It’s just—,” he wasn’t sure of the right words.

Rafael finished for him, “It’s just that we’re not the same people we were when we were teenagers. I get it. And back then, I hurt you.” He shrugged, looking defeated. Then, suddenly, the gears switched. Rafael pepped up a fraction and put on a smile, “I would like it, however, if we could be friends. You were my best friend before you were... well,” he cleared his throat, “my boyfriend.”

Sonny dipped his head and nodded, he felt himself starting to smile. “Yeah,” he said. When he looked back up he was grinning, because for once he felt like he could handle this. Being friends with Rafael had always been easy. “I’d like that, Rafi.” 

Rafael snorted and shook his head, “You can’t call me that anymore, people won’t take me seriously.”

Sonny laughed, “You’re kidding! You want to be my friend again but I can’t call you by your Carisi-designated nickname?” 

Rafael shoved him lightly, “Your mother has a lot to answer for, for starting this.”

“Oh, I’m sure she does, Rafi,” Sonny said through his laughter.

Rafael grumbled, “Pendejo.” He turned away and started toward the door.

Sonny stopped him, “Counselor!”

Rafael turned and the sulking look was replaced by one of mild confusion. “Yeah?”

Sonny grinned, “You can still call me Sonny. Nobody else here does.”

Rafael slowly smiled, then chuckled and shook his head. “See you around, Sonny.” He opened the door and walked out.

Sonny stayed there for a minute, thinking over the conversation and how he felt genuinely happy for the first time in years. 

When he walked back out, smiling, Amanda was watching him with suspicion written all over her face.

She waited for him to sit down before she asked, “What are you so giddy about?” 

Sonny picked up a pin and twirled it around, then pointed it at her and said, “Wouldn’t you like to know?” 

Amanda huffed, balled up a piece of unused paper and tossed it at his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys likes this new chapter! Another will be posted soon. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and kudos-ing and supporting this fic~
> 
> — Translations — 
> 
> “Mi mamá me llamó loco” - “My mom called me crazy”
> 
> “Pendejo” - “Idiot” 


End file.
